F*ck Feelings Read online

  Here is what you’d like to have (but don’t have) when you can’t get through to someone:

  • A Vegas magician’s skill at creating illusion (and, if necessary, making someone disappear)

  • A constantly updating PowerPoint that will confirm the truth of everything you’ve been saying

  • The Oprahesque ability to bring anyone to the light, either by making them cry or giving them a car

  Among the wishes people express are:

  • To get someone to realize what she’s doing to herself and stop

  • To get someone to see what harm she’s causing others and stop

  • To get someone to see they’re just trying to help

  • To get someone to see that they’re the good guys here

  Here are three examples:

  I need to get through to my sister about how self-destructive it is for her to keep going back to her alcoholic, abusive husband. It seems like every month or so he goes on a really bad bender and slaps her around, and then she comes to my house with her kids, crying, saying this is the last time. But then he eventually calls her in tears, or comes by to apologize with flowers and fast food. He promises to change or just makes her feel guilty for tearing their family apart, and she buys it, over and over again. My goal is to find the words to get her to see what a useless piece of shit he is and how she needs to break the cycle before it’s too late.

  I thought things would get better at work after corporate ordered a 360 degree review and my boss got feedback from all of his employees. It was a great opportunity for all of us to let him know, anonymously, how we all thought he can be a bully and a poor communicator. Unfortunately, he now says he wants us to sit down and explain what we mean; he says it’ll be a constructive exercise, but we’re all certain that he really just wants to know precisely who said what, exact punishment, and make this office unbearable. My goal is to find a less confrontational, civil way to get him to see how unfair he’s being so that he’ll take the review seriously, mend his ways, and not ruin this job.

  I wish I could get my husband to see that he needs to lose weight and get a physical. He just won’t take time to see a doctor, even though he’s overweight, eats all the wrong things, and doesn’t make any effort to exercise. You don’t need to be an MD to know that he’s putting himself at risk for a heart attack and diabetes, but if I try to encourage him to eat better or go for a walk, he says I’m a jerk for calling him fat. If I explain that I want him to do something about his weight because we all depend on him and that I’m scared of what will happen to him, he says I’m a drama queen. I just can’t seem to get through. My goal is to find words that will get him to see how important it is for him to get help.

  When you can’t persuade someone to take what you feel are lifesaving measures, you have to be careful not to push so hard that you end up persuading him to avoid your angry, scary self altogether.

  Instead, accept your lack of influence—including an ability to save and protect—and then present your reasoning with respect and patience instead of rage and hysteria.

  If you’re trying to talk someone out of an abusive relationship that might become fatal, don’t attack the abuser who, after all, is someone she loves desperately. Respect her love and her hope to rescue the relationship, which she may think is the only thing she has, no matter how toxic you know it is.

  Instead of telling her that her husband is human garbage, advise her that certain very unfortunate people—often they’ve been abused as kids—can’t stand the pressures of loving and needing someone without becoming overwhelmingly angry. While she might initially think that her love will be so solid and secure that it will ease his pain and douse his anger, what she will find is that there’s something wrong with his personality that can’t be helped. No matter how solid her love is, any loving relationship stirs up his pain and rage; some people are just allergic to love, and instead of getting hives, they get scary.

  Urge the abused to respect her love while assessing its risk for exposing her and her family to harm. Assure her that she has much to offer and that her relationship would be happy if she’d had the good luck to find someone who didn’t have her partner’s terrible problem. Assuming it can’t work, she will help herself and, in the long run, her partner, by moving on and finding someone who can respond positively to her love.

  If you’re called on to provide constructive criticism to someone who doesn’t normally take it well, assess your risks before trying to address his weaknesses. Even if he sincerely desires input, his allergy may not be to love but to criticism, so he may not be able to stop himself from retaliating, no matter how pure your intentions.

  Don’t then let your desire for a better relationship or workplace lure you into saying things that will get you into trouble. You know the limits of your diplomatic abilities, as well as the weakness of the person whose faults are being addressed. You also have a responsibility to protect yourself from backlash when you know it’s inevitable.

  If you know that your constructive criticism has a better chance of getting you fired than getting through to your boss, then keep it to yourself; if you let your desire to fix things take over, you probably won’t be able to keep your job.

  Persuading someone to change bad health habits, particularly when you need him to stay healthy, is a pushy proposition to begin with; given how ingrained such habits usually are, you have to do a lot of nagging and reminding to try to change anything, and then accept that all your nudging probably won’t succeed. In the end, he’ll claim you’re making his health habits worse by making him feel criticized and helpless.

  Instead of criticizing bad habits, use whatever control you have over money and together time to encourage better habits. Don’t presume to punish and don’t expect to change him; simply use your power, when you think it’s legitimate, to advance an important value. For instance, if you’re the one who shops, you can refuse to buy unhealthy food and lock up whatever snacks you take home. You can reward regular exercise by providing more snacks.

  You can’t take responsibility for someone else’s bad habits, but you can experiment creatively with incentivizing healthier behavior without overreacting when your efforts are defeated. Either way, don’t stop acting according to your values, and whether or not your partner ever comes around, you’ll know you’ve done your best to provide him with opportunities to better his health.

  To be most effective at persuasion, you have to accept what we call “Rogers’s Condensed Principle”; you have to know when to hold ’em, fold ’em, walk away, and run. In other words, if the person you wish to persuade may not be ready, you have to be ready to limit your sense of responsibility and let it go.

  Instead of blaming him for being stubborn, stupid, or self-destructive, praise the side of his personality that wants to do better and respect the fact that he can’t listen, at least not yet. Remember, the less you push, the more you pull him to your point of view.

  Quick Diagnosis

  Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:

  • The ability to persuade when truth is on your side

  • Personal credibility and respect, so people will believe you without your having to plead, reason, or bargain

  • Mind control to make people do what they need to do when they disregard your warnings

  Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:

  • To realize that, since you lack persuasive superpowers, you’re not responsible for how other people respond to your arguments

  • To put together good arguments (even if they fall on deaf ears)

  • Maintain your other priorities knowing that, persuasive or not, you’ve done your job

  • Know you’re not responsible for harm that could have been prevented if people had listened

  Here’s how you can do it:

  • Assume that obstacles to understanding are not willful or ill-intended but rather driven by wishes and needs people can’t resist

>   • Ignore willful, ill-intended attacks

  • Ask people to consider their values and what they think will result from their actions, rather than paying attention to pain, feelings, and wishes

  • If you have the opportunity, turn ensuing crises into teaching opportunities

  • Know that your effectiveness depends on urging people to do what their wiser side wants them to do, not what you want them to do

  • As usual, give yourself credit for effort, not results

  Your Script

  Here’s what to say to people who desperately need your advice but, for whatever reason, won’t take it.

  Dear [Friend/Family Member/Colleague/Self-Destructive Imbecile Who Needs a “Come to Jesus” Talk but Will Listen Only If Jesus Delivers It],

  I feel like you’re about to get yourself [screwed/addicted/played/in deep shit/killed] but I know you’ve been [antonym for “encouraged”] and can’t stop yourself because you’re too [ADD/in love/doomed by poor decision-making genes]. Instead of trying to [convince/bully/bribe/smack] you, I’m going to ask you what matters to you and whether your current behavior will take you where you want to go or to the [ER/police station/morgue]. Then, if you want, I’ll share [methods/written rules/the number of a good shrink] for improving your self-control, or, if you prefer, I’ll leave you alone.

  The Best and Worst Means for Communicating Specific Messages

  Message

  Best

  Worst

  You want to tell someone she’s making a mistake.

  In person, in private, and in supportive language that doesn’t condemn her choice but encourages her to explore alternatives.

  Via text, especially involving angry-faced or turd-based emoji.

  You want to support someone through a painful experience.

  Taking that someone out to lunch is nice, but a phone call is acceptable, as is a nice card if you don’t know him that well.

  Through a public Facebook post that says, “Sorry about your [very private, traumatic event]! I’ve got your back, kid! YOLO!”

  You want to warn someone that her actions are bad for her health.

  This can really only be done in person, and in an indirect way—i.e., if the person is overeating, don’t stage a cupcake intervention, just invite her for a hike followed by a shot of something juiced.

  Via any direct confrontation, even if you just go through her Instagram for photos of food and make obtuse comments about diabetes on all of them.

  You want to end a relationship.

  Either in person in an easily escapable location or on the phone in a quiet, private space.

  Via almost any other medium, up to and including paying to have “We’re Over” put between “happy birthday” announcements and ads for local steak houses on the Jumbotron at a Miami Marlins game.

  If you view communication as a means to problem solving and not the magic cure to all disagreements, your abilities will certainly improve, especially if you can control your wish to control others, regardless of how benign your intentions. Keeping negative opinions to yourself while finding ways to help people see their own choices is a common ideal for mediators, parents, and therapists. No matter how skilled a communicator you are, however, there are always limits to the ability of communication to solve problems; sooner or later, we all encounter our version of the Middle East, and at that point, you need to know you’ve done your best and respect your efforts while shutting up and letting it go. Sometimes, the best response is no communication at all.

  chapter eight

  fuck parenthood

  Depending on the day, the child, and where the bail is set, parenthood can either feel like the most worthwhile thing we do or the worst mistake of our lives. Either way, it’s certainly not guaranteed to make us happy or give us good results for year after year of hard work. It isn’t just about the circle of life, but also the fundamental suck of life—that it’s relentlessly unfair—and the best efforts at parenting can still result in a baby that grows up to be an illiterate toilet goblin.

  It doesn’t help that the major causes of horribly difficult kids, from genes to brain wiring, are due to parents but also completely out of their hands. The only way parents can control the traits they pass down to their kids is by using birth control, but after that, all bets are off.

  That means parents always feel that their kid’s issues are their fault, even when there’s nothing they can do. If you want to have a child in order to have a beautiful, permanent experience, just get a tattoo of a dolphin riding a unicorn over a manatee. It will always be with you, stay exactly the way you made it, and bring you and the world joy without ever crashing your car or getting a stupid tattoo of its own.

  So before you freak out about your parenting mistakes and make things worse by trying to figure out and solve problems that can’t actually be solved, stop and ask yourself how much control you really have. Your goal, as a parent, isn’t to solve your problem with a child; it’s to figure out what’s solvable, so neither you nor your child has to go crazy.

  The way to figure out what you can solve as a parent, of course, is to try everything and see what succeeds. Then, instead of trying again and again, accept your helplessness, keep up morale, and hope it’s just a stage and not the birth of Hitler II.

  Respect the parent who solves problems, but reserve your highest honors for the parent whose kids are problems but finds the courage to keep going and accept them anyway. And remember, being a good parent doesn’t mean you should worship parenthood; it’s worthwhile, but it’s frequently an affliction, as you will often tell your children during their lives, that’s not fair.

  Not Ruining Your Baby

  People like to say that childbirth is a miracle, but to paraphrase the late comedian Bill Hicks, having a baby is as much of a miracle as eating food and then passing a turd. It’s a basic biological function, not the parting of a raging sea with a wooden staff.

  Perhaps it’s that kind of “miraculous” thinking that puts an insane amount of pressure on so many new parents during their child’s early years. They obsess over every decision involving their personal baby Jesus, from what preschool waiting list to get on to whether or not they’ll expose their child to the evils of TV to the precise plan for how they’re going to bring their miraculous creation into the world (in a bathtub/yurt, with no drugs/extra pain, with a midwife/chorus of handmaidens, etc.).

  There’s obviously a good side to getting obsessed about the healthy development of babies and children; fetuses and newborns are vulnerable, and the first few years of development have a big impact on a child’s life. Parents who worry more about doing things right are probably going to have healthier children who develop a wider range of skills. Parents who worry too much, however, are going to make themselves and their miracle crazy.

  That’s because, in spite of modern medicine and new knowledge about child development, neither parents nor doctors nor the world’s most in-demand holistic midwives have that much control over the strengths, weaknesses, and many potential illnesses that a child brings into the world with its genes.

  The fact that we feel increasingly responsible does not mean that we have correspondingly greater powers over the outcome, just a few more tricks for heading off certain disasters. So whether you’re responding to instinct or culture, don’t let yourself feel totally responsible for what happens to your baby.

  Instead of operating in panic mode, do smart research. Read all the books that you think will help (namely the ones with practical advice that are written by experts, not celebrities who happen to be fertile), talk to all the parents you respect, and reflect on what you think did and didn’t work for you as a kid.

  Parents have to make lots of decisions that may impact their kids, from minor (whether to name their kid Aiden, Jayden, or Kayden) to major (how to proceed if your child gets sick and the treatment can’t be provided in gummy form). If you can calmly assess each choice’s risk versus benefit, inste
ad of immediately freaking out because the wrong decision could turn your child into a sea monster, you’ll make your job as a parent, as well as your kid’s life, much easier and even enjoyable.

  If you’ve got the resources, go ahead and buy the best stroller, the finest dairy cow to ensure the most organic milk, the fluffiest sleep sack that will give your little one the sweetest dreams. Just remind yourself periodically that conception and early development are particularly susceptible to bad luck, and that your power to prevent it, no matter what stroller you wasted thousands of dollars on, is limited.

  Give yourself credit not for producing a healthy baby but for doing your best to promote health in a chaotic world, and give yourself extra credit when things don’t go well in spite of your best efforts. Childbirth may not be a miracle, but successfully raising a healthy child, despite what the universe throws at you, always is.

  Here is what parents wish they had to ensure healthy development, but don’t:

  • A molecular condom that could protect your infant from all genetic disasters

  • A giant, plastic bubble that ensures the world’s safest, risk-free pregnancy

  • A spouse who’s also a Zen master

  • A technique for delivering a child in the time it takes and with the risk required to eat a Cinnabon

  Among the wishes people express are:

  • To make sure fetuses are healthy

  • To make delivery a positive, safe, and sublime experience

  • To make sure breastfeeding goes well

  • To develop a positive bond with a baby right away

  • To ensure normal development