F*ck Feelings Read online

  Don’t accept the wishful thinking that symptoms of trauma can be cleared up with enough sharing; deep psychic damage is not as easy to get rid of as athlete’s foot. If you or your loved one is well informed about treatment and you’re sure that talk therapy and openness have been given a good try, accept the fact that, whatever their benefit, they’re not a cure. Now it’s time to learn how to live with and manage symptoms and curb addiction for an indefinite period so the wound can heal.

  Quick Diagnosis

  Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:

  • Healing through sharing

  • Confidence that the right words can help you control your symptoms

  • To be able to feel close, regardless of symptoms

  • Friends and partners who will always tolerate your symptoms as well as you do

  Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:

  • Know your own response to sharing feelings, both when you’re symptomatic and not

  • Communicate what you think is necessary and helpful, only when you think it will do some good

  • Accept that some symptoms are permanent and impersonal

  Here’s how you can do it:

  • Try different talk therapies, including those that encourage you to share how you feel and those that encourage you to stay calm while you review what happened and evaluate your actual options

  • Watch what happens when you share too much

  • Work and engage with friends and family despite all but the most severe symptoms

  • Let people know your silence doesn’t mean you’re angry or disapproving, just having some symptoms

  • Select friends who can tolerate your symptoms and their effect on your ability to talk and have fun

  Your Script

  Here’s what to tell someone/yourself when you’re unable to talk because of trauma symptoms.

  Dear [Self/Person Who Can’t Stand It When I Get Grim and Silent],

  I often wonder what I did wrong when I find myself getting [shaky/scared/completely disconnected from the world around me] for no reason and remember the horrible [event/person/Middle Eastern conflict] that spooked me in the first place. Since then, however, I’ve become expert at [meditation/self-hypnosis/exposure therapy/skydiving] while still maintaining my [business/family of six/bluegrass band], so I haven’t let my symptoms stop me, even if I had to grit my teeth and [synonym for “nearly soil myself”]. That’s what I’m proud of.

  Did You Know . . . How to Communicate in Asperger-ese?

  Of all the natural obstacles that get in the way of basic communication—differences in age, culture, gender, etc.—one of the toughest (and increasingly common) to both overcome and understand is the autistic mind. Asperger’s syndrome may no longer be in the DSM, but it’s still a shorthand label for someone who functions at a very high level, often with above-average intellectual skills, but who is socially impaired, mostly due to below-average abilities to recognize and respond to emotions and thus engage in the most basic “hi, how are you”–style conversation.

  That doesn’t mean a person with Asperger’s is robotic and Spock-like—he can have lots of feelings and can be strongly attached to other people—but at any given moment he may have more intense feelings about finishing whatever task it is he’s doing, or not being forced to change his habits or routines.

  So you may think he doesn’t care about you because he’s too busy solving a problem or watching TV to look up, smile, and remember you were supposed to go out to dinner. In reality, he may care a lot, but his brain won’t let go of what it’s doing and will snarl if you pull it away. Then, if you talk about your hurt feelings, his brain is truly in turmoil and communication is over.

  If you look for it, you’ll find evidence of personal caring, but if you need to talk and break his superfocus, you’ll feel hurt, insulted, and disregarded. In other words, it’s easy to speak Asperger if you don’t have immediate emotional needs or are very good at delaying them while gentling someone out of an obsessive preoccupation.

  A good introduction to conversational Asperger-ese is to talk about what he’s interested in (e.g., the program or bridge he’s building, the game he’s playing, etc.) and the frustration that goes with having to stop and eat, sleep, or pee. If you have a more complicated topic in mind (e.g., how his day went or if he wants to see a movie tomorrow), try to schedule it for a time he’s less occupied, like right before bed, over dinner, or while he’s peeing. If you can wait for his attention, he will be happy to give it.

  As long as you share some genuine interests, respect each other’s space, and stay away from gossip, emotional confrontation, and discussions about how hurt he’s (inadvertently) made you feel, there’s much to talk about and genuine friendship to be formed. You just have to remember the key elements of the language to get the conversation started.

  Venting Anger

  We often talk about anger as if it’s a volatile chemical that must be vented from the human body, lest the angry individual combust like a tanker full of gas, a water balloon, or a Spinal Tap drummer. We convince ourselves it’s either talk or explode, when in reality, they’re often the same thing.

  Talk often just triggers an explosion, or vice versa; after a verbal burst, we end up looking for better words and/or the services of a therapist, referee, or diplomat who can keep the destructiveness in check while the anger gets talked out.

  Meanwhile, we assume that it’s unhealthy to stay angry and advise couples to talk out their problems before they go to sleep, which often means they fight even more because they’re tired and cranky, fall asleep exhausted, and wake up even more irritable.

  Unfortunately, there’s no resolution to many of the problems that make people angry, like having a temper, or an unavoidable relationship with an Asshole (see chapter 9), or a spouse who has a disgusting way of sipping her soup.

  Frequently, the only thing we’re able to vent, in all honesty, is that we want someone to change in a way she can’t and won’t, which is a good, reliable way to trigger an explosion. So being angry and looking for a way to communicate may be a bad idea.

  Before venting, ask yourself whether there is, indeed, any hope that communication can be helpful. Then be prepared for the possibility that the answer will be negative, and sharing feelings will do nothing but stir up a shit storm.

  If you’re angry and need to keep your mouth shut, don’t despair. Once you stop thinking about what you want to say, you can invent easier ways to bear your burden, while also saving money on therapists and mediators.

  Don’t think of noncommunication as failure. Remember, no matter what the common wisdom on venting is, nobody’s ever died from bottling up their anger, but plenty people have died, usually violently, from letting their anger out.

  Here is what communicating your anger should provide, but won’t:

  • Instant persuasion of the target of your anger to reform, followed by a parade in your honor

  • Insight into the other person’s point of view so you don’t hate or want to punch him so very much

  • A deep sense of relief and Zen-like calm after each tantrum, like an anger orgasm, with no repercussions

  Among the wishes people express are:

  • To be able to express criticism and unhappiness without triggering a fight

  • To feel less hate for someone they have to live or work with

  • To have their feelings respected or validated

  • To get something off their chest

  Here are three examples:

  I’ve got to say something to my father before I explode. I’ve been angry at him for years for the way he abused my mother and me when I was growing up. He’s been pretty well-behaved since he got sober ten years ago, so I’ve respected my mother’s wishes to be civil, put the past behind us, and keep the family together. Even if I’m keeping my mouth shut, however, I still can’t stand being around him, and I don’t want to be in a family that inclu
des that asshole. I know that he deserves to hear what I have to say, and I deserve some relief before I go nuts and just leap up and kill him. My goal is to let him know how I feel, so I don’t have to keep that anger in all the time.

  My husband and I have been bickering a lot lately, over a lot of issues, like I want him to spend more time at home and he wants me to criticize him less. It seems like the fights never get resolved, and maybe there are bigger problems that aren’t being addressed because we can’t sit down and figure out what they are. I want him to come with me to see a family therapist so we can have it out in front of a referee, get to the bottom of things, and put our fighting behind us, but he says the therapist will just take my side. My goal is to find a way that we can let out our anger safely, and then maybe we can get along better.

  For my first five years at this company, I put up with my racist boss because I needed the job, was young, and didn’t want to be “the angry negro,” which would have ruined my career. Time passed, I worked hard and got promoted to another division despite him, and now I have a family and a job I love. When I look at my daughter, however, I regret that I didn’t take a stand; I get mad at myself for being a bad role model for her and not making her world a better place. I don’t think it’s right to let injustice like that slide, nor do I think it’s healthy to let someone make you angry, day after day, and not let it out. My goal is to be brave and let my old boss know how I feel before rage and regret eat me up inside.

  Fear might be unpleasant and often unnecessary, but not every impulse it inspires should automatically be ignored; that Y2K bunker was probably a bad idea, but the concern that convinces you to keep your anger bottled up is usually justified. So before you decide to be courageous or foolish, ask yourself what’s likely to happen before letting someone have it with what you really think.

  Instead of assuming you’ve got to make yourself understood or air your feelings, determine whether it’s possible to do so without creating a nasty scene and adding to grievances all around. Consult friends if necessary.

  If the person you can’t stop hating is a flawed parent, ask yourself what you want from him, given his failures. You usually won’t get an apology and you can’t change the past.

  In most cases, he’ll respond with blame, evasion, or blank denial, which will just make you angrier while magnifying your vulnerable bond to someone whose influence on your life you’d like to diminish. Unfortunately, true Assholes can’t help themselves, and there’s nothing to stop them from having sex and kids.

  Don’t bother to forgive your Asshole parent, because it’s pointless to forgive someone who never had a choice. Accepting an Asshole is part of accepting what’s unfair about life and the baggage of your own personality, including a piece of it that may share your parent’s temper.

  So instead of trying to get a nasty parent to see what he did wrong, start thinking about the good things that you and your other parent did to help you survive. Take pride in your ability to keep your mouth shut for the sake of family stability. Use your adult authority and experience to exercise your right to keep conversations politely short and exit them at will. Like venting, any extra attention given to an Asshole parent is a waste of your time.

  If the anger you wish to ease is the kind that fuels low-grade marital bickering, it may not help to focus on what you’re really angry at or to get your spouse to see how annoying he is. As we’ve said many times on the F*ck Feelings website, the sort of venting that goes on in couples therapy is a lot like the venting of intestinal gas; it provides immediate relief for the venter, but soon poisons the air for everyone in the fallout zone.

  If bickering just causes more bickering, try shutting up instead. Then talk to a therapist on your own, identify what you want, and see if there are positive ways to negotiate. Yes, there are things your spouse says and does that will always drive you crazy and aren’t going to change, so talking about them will always lead to frustration and ugliness.

  Assuming, however, that there are things about your life together that you like and wish to expand, good negotiation requires positive speech, which means keeping your anger to yourself while showing your spouse the valuable things you wish to prevent both of you from losing. So don’t just bottle up your anger; bottle it up tighter while describing simple, doable changes that can lead to a better life for both of you.

  If your anger is rooted in being the victim of a social wrong, such as racism, attacking bad guys may just strengthen your connection to them, particularly if their attitude isn’t going to change. Remember, you don’t need to prove your courage; you’ve already done so by going to work every day, knowing you risk humiliation because you need money for your family.

  Fight racism when you think there’s a chance to win; otherwise, keep your mouth shut and move away as soon as you can. Racist-killing superheroes aren’t just good at standing up to evil; they are also good at choosing their battles and the time for fighting. Don’t let anger control your decision about whether and when to fight, especially since most civil rights battles have been won by peacefully letting the racists shame themselves.

  Instead of using angry, alienating language with those you most wish to persuade, describe the facts of racist behavior and their destructive impact with regret. No, you don’t have to keep your anger a secret, but restraint does demonstrate objectivity and self-control, which can help win people over to your cause.

  If you decide that silence is better than self-expression, it’s not because you’re a coward; it’s because you have goals more worthwhile than venting the inner rage-volcano, like keeping a family together, getting the best out of a relationship, and preserving your power to negotiate. If you’ve got a killer temper, hate injustice, and get hurt easily, then you’ll be most tempted to let loose against evildoers, and most heroic when you don’t.

  Quick Diagnosis

  Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:

  • Relief from hateful feelings

  • Self-approval that comes with liking everyone and wishing them well

  • Freedom from the temptation to open your mouth and say something nasty

  • Freedom from the temptation to open your mouth and say something reasonable and righteous that will nevertheless cause a fight

  Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:

  • Know when expressing negative feelings will lead to more negative feelings

  • Develop the ability to keep negative feelings to yourself while working on broader goals

  • Develop skills for negotiating when irritated

  • Develop skills for waging war effectively when enraged

  Here’s how you can do it:

  • Develop a procedure for recognizing and accepting anger stalemates

  • Look for all realistic, worthwhile goals other than expressing anger or changing unchangeable provocations

  • Protect yourself from unnecessary exposure to harm, insult, and provocation

  • Learn to negotiate while fuming

  • Learn the art of the necessary but silent war

  Your Script

  Here’s what to say about angry feelings you know better than to express.

  Dear Asshole, aka My [Colleague/Relative/Mighty Potentate],

  I wish I could tell you how [mean/abusive/insanely horrible] you are, but I won’t. We have [many/some/just one] good reason(s) for [working/living/sharing a planet] together, and I am always interested in [some German word that means “allowing and sometimes acknowledging the existence of”] suggestions for improving our relationship. Otherwise, if I occasionally seem abrupt in ending a conversation, it’s simply because I [gotta go/have to take a call from the president/hate your guts]. As always, I wish you well and to go [in peace/to hell].

  Life-Changing Conversation

  If you see someone about to jump off life’s proverbial ledge by making what you’re sure is a terrible decision, it’s hard not to resist talking her out of her dumb cho
ice and into some common sense. When we know we’re right, we want to do good.

  Unlike those trained hostage negotiators or crisis counselors, an average person’s negotiation skills are mediocre at best; when blunt commonsense talk doesn’t work, we usually say the same thing, but louder, and then maybe louder still with an overcurrent of fury.

  That might be the right way to grab attention, get someone to think twice, and maybe even scare someone straight, but it’s not a great way to get someone to change her mind (especially the mind of an adolescent, for which loud opposition affirms whatever their dumb idea was in the first place).

  If volume and bluster don’t work, our second instinct is to use the language of selling to persuade someone she’ll feel better, sexier, richer, more powerful, and less anxious if she takes our advice. However, even if we’re a genius at sales, and offer to throw in free shipping, there are many people who can avoid this pitch as easily as that of any infomercial.

  What’s toughest to accept is that, even when we’re good persuaders talking about something in which we believe completely, our words may well fall on deaf ears. At that point, not getting through can feel like a terrible failure that makes us partly responsible for whatever ensues.

  Instead of trying to be a better communicator when you can’t get through, try to honestly assess whether you’ve put your argument as well as possible. If you have, then you yourself need to step away from the ledge and not take responsibility for anything more.

  Have faith that life will eventually confirm your argument. At that time, if noncommunication hasn’t made you bitter, angry, and unable to say anything but “I told you so,” you will be heard and have a chance to make good things happen.

  In the meantime, approach every crisis negotiation hoping to do your best. If someone ignores your pleading and chooses to make what you know is a mistake, let her, knowing you tried everything you could to protect her, and that if she survives the fall, you’ll be there to help pick her up.