F*ck Feelings Read online

  For some couples, the perfect amount of communication is the occasional grunt or sigh in front of the TV, while others enjoy a full monologue detailing the minutiae of an appetizer. Everybody’s needs are different, and as with hair color or sexual preference, one’s ability to share and tolerance for listening are solid parts of who we are.

  If despite the complications, you can achieve that communicative balance, it should feel good and satisfy your need for companionship and contact. If you can’t, or just can’t anymore, it will feel like a problem in need of fixing, and trying to fix any problem that involves uncontrollable, quasi-genetic factors is like embarking on a conflict in the Middle East: endless, bloody, and ultimately futile.

  Regardless of how good it would feel to be able to communicate, or how bad it feels not to, don’t try to force communication until you’ve assessed whether it’s possible and if not, why not.

  If someone wants you to open up and you’re not a talker, don’t assume that talking is the only way to express affection or commitment. Lots of people—mainly men—express positive feelings by showing up and fixing the sink or roof. For many men, their primary means of communication is not their voice but their feet and power drill.

  It’s useless to start believing you should be more of a talker when you’re not, because you’ll just get more depressed and irritable as you feel increasingly responsible for your talk-deprived partner’s unhappiness. Yes, you might benefit from good Mars/Venus advice from a therapist, but at a certain point, if your quiet friendliness isn’t enough, you must ask yourself whether you’re being a good enough partner, after your own fashion.

  Your partner must have known you weren’t a talker, given your history of near chatlessness, so if she thought she could change you, that’s her problem, not yours. Instead of apologizing or getting defensive, remind her of the good things you bring to your relationship, other than chattiness. Tell her she can take it or leave it, but you hope she’ll take it, and then don’t worry about telling her too much else.

  It can be even more frustrating to endure silence in a longstanding, close relationship with your child when you not only miss the intimacy but rely on it to feel you’re doing a good job as a parent. When your child clams up, you have less information to tell you whether he is happy, in trouble, or doing the right thing. Of course, prying just makes the information blackout worse and induces enmity and defiance that may not have been there in the first place.

  Instead of getting spooked by the loss of closeness, assume that it may be resulting from normal growth and development and a teenager’s need for privacy. Now that easy communication no longer tells you how things are going, gather information from teachers and your own careful observations of schedules, homework, and friendships. With a little work, you’ll determine whether things are still going well, or whether silence represents depression or school problems.

  In any case, don’t get discouraged by the loss of closeness or believe that you’re a bad parent when your child gets quieter. Indeed, it takes a particularly good parent to stay on task and manage your child’s growth while ignoring and hiding how sad you feel without the old intimacy.

  You may not expect to have the same level of comfort and intimacy in the workplace that you have at home, but team spirit among employees also seems desirable and likely to improve morale and profit. In spite of what the business journals and consultants say, however, the problems with team building are often not remediable.

  Some people do their job well but are not much fun to have on a team, and some bosses are Assholes (see chapter 9), but they’re the boss and aren’t going anywhere. If you like and enjoy the company of your coworkers, you’re lucky; if you don’t, cash your paycheck and make friends in a bowling league.

  Before closing your office and blowing a bundle on a team-building retreat and spa weekend, ask yourself how people are likely to respond if they start saying what they really think. Don’t accept reassurance from HR or a presiding psychologist—they don’t have magical protective powers—just rely on your experience and common sense.

  You may look like a great manager if your team whistles while they work, but you’re an even greater manager if they’re not whistlers and still show up on time and get the work done.

  Although talking may help you get close, it isn’t the only way to get close, and it can’t be used to create intimacy that isn’t already there. Before trying to improve communication, ask yourself whether more closeness is possible and whether talking will actually help.

  Remember, good communication doesn’t produce miracles of intimacy and good will; it respects limits, avoids trouble, and keeps a fragile peace.

  Quick Diagnosis

  Here’s what you wish for and can’t (always) have:

  • Feel closer to someone you love

  • Know better what someone is really thinking

  • Hear the words you need to hear

  • Feel free to speak your mind

  Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:

  • Know the limits of speech and intimacy in any relationship

  • Not force anyone to be more verbal than they are

  • Shut up when silence is best

  • Not put additional strain on a relationship characterized by limited communication

  Here’s how you can do it:

  • Rate a person’s ability to communicate feelings objectively, before you start taking it personally

  • Expand your own ability to read and send out nonverbal messages

  • Learn to measure commitment and achievement through actions, not words

  • Assess your ability to tolerate silence without becoming negative

  • Think about what happened the last time you expressed your feelings before you do it again

  Your Script

  Here’s what to tell someone/yourself when you can’t find words that will bring you closer.

  Dear [Self/Person Whom I Can’t Communicate With/Yes, You—Are You Even Listening to Me?],

  Given the need for us to [live/work/do homework/get naked/raise kids] together, I wish we could communicate better. I know, however, that you never talk about [feelings/relationships/sex/my friend Janet/America’s foreign policy], so there’s no reason for me to think I’m doing something wrong. I have also noticed that forcing you to talk often causes [synonym for “not talking”]. I will accept whatever prevents us from talking and respect what we’re able to accomplish anyway.

  Communication No-Nos, Explained

  Never Say

  Why Not?

  “If you go through with this, you’re a fucking idiot, you know that?”

  He’s only an idiot if he acts on his dumb impulse; you, on the other hand, are unconditionally an idiot for insulting and alienating someone you were trying to help. Never anchor an attempt to be helpful with hurtful words.

  “It’s either me or your family, make your choice and make it final.”

  This would be true only if the not-chosen party was subsequently murdered; otherwise, you’re making the choice to enter a world of sulking and resentment. Ultimatums work only on game shows.

  “Okay, somebody’s gotta say it, so here goes . . .”

  Actually, it’s very likely that nobody has to say “it,” ever. Not unless that somebody is willing to burn his bridges and then salt the earth where they stood. “Somebody” should stay silent instead.

  “If you don’t talk about the pain, it will eat you up inside.”

  Her suffering might eat you up inside, but that doesn’t mean talking about it is best for her. Offering support and urging confessions aren’t exactly the same thing.

  “You’re right, that dress does make you look pregnant.”

  You can’t even tell a pregnant woman she looks pregnant, so if you really want to tell someone how bad she looks in a dress, be prepared to hear how you look like a pullout sofa in that pantsuit.

  Airing Trauma

  Endu
ring the effects of trauma is extremely difficult, but it is almost as difficult to have to watch someone you care about suffering through trauma’s aftermath. As he thrashes through nightmares, anxiously paces through his days, and struggles with negative thoughts, those close to him can only do their best and bear witness. The traumatized are haunted by past events, while in the present, their loved ones now feel as useless as ghosts.

  Intuitively, one might feel that sharing fears and nightmares would provide some relief—expose the real ghosts to daylight and they should disappear—but the symptoms of trauma are often hard to soothe, and the memories that cause them don’t vanish so easily.

  Trauma probably has such lasting effects because our brains adapt to overwhelming stress by turning us into super-alert, always-on-guard soldiers, so that we won’t be taken by surprise a second time. The symptoms are a torment, but they also save the lives of those who can’t leave a dangerous war zone. Unfortunately, for many people, there’s no off switch once the war is over.

  That’s why just sharing intense feelings does not necessarily purge them, no matter what movies and books tell you. Often, it leaves people feeling more shaken and helpless than before, even when friends or therapists are there to offer support. So don’t push someone who has been traumatized to tell their story until you’re sure they can do so without feeling overwhelmed and that it’s more likely to do good than harm.

  In the end, there may be no way to get certain kinds of trauma off your chest, be it by sharing, deep hypnosis, or textbook revenge scenarios. Certain treatments may help reduce symptoms and other treatments may help you live with them, but there is no literal or figurative sure-thing trauma eraser.

  If you suffer from trauma and symptoms persist, never assume it’s because you failed to open up or that you need to open up more. Credit your nervous system with having a very active emergency alarm while discounting the negative, dreadful warnings and dire predictions it puts in your mind. Respect your ability to disregard those warnings, predictions, and symptoms while you go about whatever business matters to you when you’re not coping with emergencies.

  You may never be able to turn the system off, either by sharing or coaxing someone else to share what the trauma feels like. You can learn, however, to listen to your own needs, interests, and priorities, either in spite of the anxiety you now have to experience or the pain you have to witness.

  Here’s what you wish you could find to stop feeling haunted by trauma:

  • Earplugs, but for your thoughts

  • A white noise machine that induces night-long comas

  • A therapy that makes you feel so safe, it’s like a mental airbag

  • A visit from Mr. Rogers (though the fact that he’s dead would make that traumatic)

  Among the wishes trauma survivors express are:

  • To sleep before insomnia drives them crazy

  • To recover from pain an enemy has inflicted on them

  • To feel better so they don’t have to drink

  • To not frighten their families with their unhappiness and silence

  Here are three examples:

  I’ve dealt with depression since junior high—I used to cut myself when I was a teenager, and had to be hospitalized for a while in college—but therapy and medication have helped me to live a relatively normal, happy life. My husband knows about my history, but until a couple of years ago, I didn’t tell him that one major source of trauma was being molested by my stepfather when I was a kid. He was very supportive until a year ago, when I went through a bad six-months-long depression, and he started to nag me about how I obviously needed more, intensive therapy, because I clearly hadn’t really faced my old demons. I needed to get over a nasty depression, is all, and I resented the idea that he was blaming me for avoiding issues and treatment. He won’t let it go. My goal is to get him to accept that I don’t need to talk it over with someone right now, or maybe ever again.

  My husband hasn’t been the same since he got back from his last tour of duty in Afghanistan, but he won’t talk about it. He has nightmares, he’s depressed, and he’s very jumpy when we’re around crowds. He says he knows he probably has PTSD, but he talks about it with a couple close friends he served with who go to therapy, and he thinks that helps probably as much as anything else since nothing really seems to work for the guys he knows. I just think he doesn’t want to deal with the stigma, wait to see a shrink, or start taking a lot of drugs, which is how the VA seems to handle the problem. In the meantime, he’s just suffering, and I know he’d feel better if he could talk about it. I try to get him to open up with me, especially during episodes, but he gets irritated when I push him and then completely shuts down. My goal is to see him talk things out with a professional and get some relief.

  My teenage son has never found school easy, but he was a pretty happy kid until a year ago, when he started hanging out with some bad kids and coming home drunk and stoned. He’s irritable and unhappy most of the time and gets really angry if my wife and I confront him or just ask if something’s wrong. He’s just not the same, but we can’t get him to talk about what’s bothering him or go see a shrink, so we feel helpless and say nothing until we’re ready to explode, which we know will do no good. My goal is to figure out how to get him to talk about what’s really bothering him, either with me or a shrink, so he can start to get better.

  Don’t trust the instinct that tells you that the worse the problem, the more talk it needs; sometimes talk is healing, but a lot of the time it has the opposite effect, picking scabs off psychic wounds that would’ve been best left untouched.

  People recover from trauma in their own ways, and while talking may be the best way for you, it may leave the other person raw. Worse, it may leave them infected, so that their trauma now envelops and defines them, making normal life even more difficult.

  Instead, use your experience and common sense to examine whether important issues have been talked out, if the effect was positive or negative, and if more words are really what’s needed. Then you’ll know when enough is enough, and further exploration of feelings is likely to be useless, costly, or actually make things worse. When you know you’ve done as much talking as will help, prepare yourself and your support team for the next step.

  If you’ve suffered childhood trauma, there will always be people who can’t believe you can overcome the problem until you’ve had a major cathartic experience, first in therapy and then in court, and transformed yourself from victim to avenger. In their fantasies, your empowerment should put an end to the helplessness of depression. In reality, it’s not that simple.

  Many abused people continue to experience depressions, which aren’t necessarily crippling, long, or resistant to symptomatic management, but also don’t go away after a good talk with a great therapist or loving spouse. Their recurrent or persistent symptoms aren’t evidence of a failure to share or communicate, just of bad luck and a bad illness.

  You’ll speak with great confidence if you don’t try to persuade anyone other than yourself. Simply announce to your significant other that you’ve benefited a lot from talking in treatment and from your close, valuable relationship, but have come to accept the fact that, like most people who experience severe depression, you’ll have recurrences no matter what.

  In the meantime, take good care of yourself to reduce the risk of relapse, manage symptoms when they arise, and ignore them and go about your business whenever possible. Then you can be proud of the way you keep working, parenting, and seeing friends when you’re not feeling well.

  Don’t let anyone say differently without letting them know you disagree. If they can accept that there’s no “getting better,” they’ll be better about accepting your illness.

  If you’re close to someone who suffers from PTSD, it’s hard to bear their pain and silence, particularly if you’re sensitive and need a close conversation. Then your willingness to listen makes their silence seem stubborn and self-defeating. When y
ou know that they’ve educated themselves about treatment and tried whatever they thought would work, however, don’t assume that persistent symptoms mean they haven’t shared enough.

  Yes, your closeness and sensitivity force you to share in their pain and maybe experience it more than they do, but that’s part of the marriage package. If you really can’t bear to witness your spouse’s illness, ask yourself whether the entire package is worth it.

  If it is, learn to ignore your spouse’s pain when there’s nothing you can do about it; if your relationship is then too silent, spend more time on the phone or with the dog. Remind yourself repeatedly that it’s not personal, you have a right to feel lonely, and you’re doing a good job of putting up with it, even if your spouse isn’t.

  If you think that talk will help you figure out what’s wrong with someone who has started drinking and drugging, your good intentions will be foiled by unrealistic expectations. Trauma may have started it, but once someone has developed bad habits and addiction, talking about the source of trauma doesn’t make the addiction go away. The problem has morphed, and so must your approach.

  That’s because it’s hard to stop bad habits for avoiding pain once they’ve started, regardless of how much insight someone has into why he’s doing it and how much support he receives from people who love him. There’s nothing wrong with trying to have a good talk, but be prepared to discover that talk is nothing but a distraction and excuse for delay until he decides to stop the bad ways of getting relief.

  Talking about his trauma, and other therapies, will help after someone gets clean and sober, but they won’t make sobriety happen. If his addiction stems from self-medication for trauma, he must decide whether he’s ready to get sober in spite of the additional PTSD symptoms he may have to experience as a result. If he decides it’s worthwhile, then he’s ready to begin.