F*ck Feelings Read online

  Here are three examples:

  There’s nothing I take more seriously than my baby’s health, and I know how important it is to breastfeed, but for reasons neither my doctor nor I can seem to explain or remedy, my breast milk just will not come in properly. I spent two agonizing weeks trying, during which time I was in pain and my daughter was continually wailing for food, but eventually I had to give in and start feeding her formula. I know I’m doing what’s necessary, but I can’t stop worrying about the harm I’m doing her immune system (and maybe her brain, who knows?) by not giving her the breast milk she needs. It doesn’t help that all the other moms I know react to my decision with barely concealed disgust, as if I were a war criminal or something. I can’t escape feeling like I’ve failed as a parent before I’ve even started. My goal is not to feel like the worst mother in the world every time I think of what I’ve exposed her to.

  I love my husband and we both really want kids, but I can’t stop thinking about the problems I may be creating by having waited until I’m thirty-five, and then choosing a nerdy, fifty-year-old academic researcher to be the father. The risk, of course, is that between our ages and careers (we’re both PhDs), the chances are very high that any child we have will be somewhere on the autism spectrum. I’d like to think I’d be able to rise to the challenge of having a kid with special needs, but I’d feel horribly guilty for purposely bringing a kid into the world who’d have to suffer through a difficult life. My goal is to stop being paralyzed about having kids (and what issues they may have) and decide what to do.

  Right after my son was born, we discovered that he has cerebral palsy that affects his right leg. So far there have been no signs of mental impairment, but I see how much harder he has to work on crawling and walking than his big sister ever did. I wonder if I somehow did something to give him this handicap and I promise myself I will do everything in my power to make sure he never feels different and gets all the help he needs. He’s starting kindergarten, so we moved to a school district that has more resources for special needs students, even though we can’t really afford the taxes, and the teachers know I’m ready to march in with an advocate and lawyer if I feel he’s not accommodated properly. My wife says I’m ignoring my other kid and making my son feel worse, but she’s missing the point. My goal is to make sure this problem will never, ever hold him back.

  It’s hard to describe to people what most mental illnesses feel like, but if you want to understand how severe anxiety feels, become responsible for an infant.

  Not only are these creatures completely dependent on you for every basic need, but they also demand constant attention and will prevent you from taking care of your own basic needs. They might grow, but your sense of duty does not shrink proportionately.

  Unfortunately, most major problems threatening a child’s safety and development can’t be prevented or corrected, even by the most attentive parent in the world. Holding yourself responsible will potentially exhaust you, put an unbearable strain on your marriage, and turn you into the thing you fear most, a bad parent.

  That’s why parenting is the ultimate walk-a-fine-line job, requiring you to knock yourself out only for the big-deal threats and truly curable problems, while ignoring the multitude of terrible things you can do nothing about. That way, you can go out, make a living, and not actually go nuts for real.

  From the moment you start thinking about pregnancy, you enter a world of worries and magical ideas about controlling the creation and production of a perfect, safe baby. Of course, it’s the supreme importance of that task, together with its impossibility, that drives everyone into a frenzy of fear and guilt.

  Yes, breastfeeding helps, as does good nutrition, avoiding alcohol, and delivering within close range of good medical care. However, the scientifically proven benefits of these behaviors help a little some of the time, rather than guaranteeing a good result all of the time. Besides, there are always ways to salvage benefit and reduce risk when the solution you most desire is not possible. Indeed, making adjustments and compromises is what parenting is about.

  Instead of seeing yourself as a soldier protecting your baby from pain and pathogens at any cost, be a manager who has to assess the relative benefit, risk, and affordability of many different options. You never have enough time and money to do everything, so get used to feeling as if you’re making compromises you’re not entirely confident about while other people seem to be doing it better.

  And by the way, there will always be other people, mostly mothers, with strong opinions. Due to their evangelical nature, it’s best to view them as the kind of religious solicitors that go door to door; when they start to preach breastfeeding and brimstone, just be polite, keep them at a distance, and lock the door behind them.

  Assuming you’ve thought through your options and done your best with what you’ve got, stand by your choices, particularly when something goes wrong, as it sometimes does. Never judge yourself by how well your baby is doing, but rather by how well you’re able to manage when your resources aren’t what you want them to be.

  Don’t get scared by possible genetic risks until you’ve assessed them carefully. Newspapers always simplify cause and effect by taking a complicated study and turning it into a headline designed to scare the shit out of everyone over thirty-five. Read on, and consult experts to find out whether the risk is raised by 2 percent or 100 percent.

  Remember, there are benefits to being older, geekier parents; the fact that you are old, smart, and have lots in common can make you better parents and partners. Your intellectual genes are more likely to give you a smart kid than they are to cause autism, and a smart kid is valuable, not just to you but to the universe. Instead of letting fear get you to think of nothing but worst-case scenarios, remember that parenthood requires us all to accept bad-gene risks while hoping that good-gene benefits will prevail.

  If something does go wrong, like cerebral palsy, parental dedication can make a huge difference—for good, bad, or both. Stories about total parental obsession triumphing over ignorance, nay-saying, and bad advice always make for good TV movies and segments on newsmagazine shows.

  Unfortunately, this kind of obsession makes for bad experiences for your spouse, other kids, and anyone who might be trying to help. If you are absolutely determined to completely normalize the life of a disabled child, you will exhaust your family’s material and emotional resources without achieving your goal.

  Learn as much as you can about your child’s disability and decide for yourself what treatments and remedial programs are worth pursuing. If they don’t work, however, or if they cost too much for the likely benefit, don’t get obsessed or hold yourself responsible for finding an answer. Accepting your limits and conserving resources for future needs is part of being a good parent. It won’t give you a good feeling, but tough decisions rarely do. Instead, it will allow you to focus on other stuff, like just having fun with your kid.

  A good parent is vigilant, ready to work hard, and willing to make sacrifices for his or her baby’s health. A great parent, however, can bear the anxiety of choosing between various sacrifices, knowing that bad outcomes can result from good choices, and that kids are vulnerable to many bad outcomes that no parent controls. If you choose acceptance over anxiety, both you and your child will have a better chance of survival.

  Quick Diagnosis

  Here’s what you wish for and can’t (always) have:

  • A trouble-free pregnancy and delivery

  • A perfect, happy baby

  • Good genetic luck

  • Sufficient resources

  Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:

  • Avoid pregnancy until you have the resources you feel you need

  • Reduce the risk of problem pregnancies and deliveries to a level you can accept

  • Make sacrifices when you believe they’re worthwhile and cost-effective

  • Negotiate management differences between spouses

&nbs
p; Here’s how you can do it:

  • Assess the resources (money, time, partnership) you’ll need to raise kids before having them

  • Avoid having kids if you don’t have those resources, and plan for ways to obtain them

  • Educate yourself about possible health and development problems and the benefits and costs of methods for managing them

  • Don’t expect to find answers that don’t have costs and risks

  • Learn to make compromises and don’t expect to feel good about them

  • Give yourself credit for making tough choices, regardless of how they turn out

  Your Script

  Here’s what to tell yourself/your spouse about pregnancy, delivery, and child development.

  Dear [Self/Person Who Should Be Doing More or Hasn’t Been Doing Enough or Is Probably Judging Me for Not Doing the Right Thing]:

  I feel like I can’t possibly do enough to compensate for [our bad genes/stress-induced fetal damage/my baby turning into a serial killer], but I know I’ve got a good partner and we’ve put together a good team with reasonable plans for [pregnancy/delivery/schooling/long-term psychotherapy]. I think we’ve got a good chance of [synonym for “not fucking up”], given horrible uncertainties.

  Good Parent vs. Overprotective Parent vs. Bad Parent

  Good

  Overprotective

  Bad

  Helps with homework.

  Has hired separate tutors for every subject, but still does homework herself to make sure the teacher isn’t pushing too hard.

  Doesn’t know what grade he’s in. Or where.

  Whenever possible, attends his kid’s games, recitals, and plays.

  Makes it possible for his kid to shine (but shine safely) by coaching the team, producing the concert, and directing and co-starring in the play.

  Whenever possible, invites the kid to join her to watch Ultimate Fighting or The Bachelor.

  If the kid wants to go out with friends, makes sure to meet those friends and have any necessary contact info.

  If the kid wants to go out with friends, she needs their social security numbers and space in the car because she’s coming with.

  If the kid wants to go out with friends, then they should meet at this bar because Daddy needs someone to drive him home.

  Stopping Constant Parent/Child Conflict

  Misunderstandings with strangers—be they fellow drivers just trying to survive a lane closing, supermarket patrons struggling to find one stupid open register, or even coworkers who just want to know who’s stealing their Lean Cuisines out of the fridge—are annoying yet understandable. After all, it’s easy to miscommunicate or misunderstand someone you’ve never met whose intentions you have no reason to trust.

  That’s why, when you find yourself in perpetual conflict with your own child, it’s both baffling and heartbreaking. Your kid isn’t a jerk in an SUV trying to cut you off but a human you cocreated whom you’ve known since she was preborn.

  You feel like your connection to your child, and the effort you put into parenting your child, should make such rifts impossible. If parents can’t resolve conflict with a child, they assume there’s something they’ve failed to do as parents, whether it’s to communicate, instill the proper values, or express enough approval or disapproval.

  Unfortunately, however, we often don’t know why certain kids are in constant conflict with their parents; frequently, parents who are obviously competent and who get along well with their other kids have lots of trouble with one. Some kids are more irritable by nature, or experience mood disorders. Other kids just see the world differently and can’t be the kind of person their parents want.

  If you’re caught in a prolonged conflict with your child, get professional advice and ask yourself whether there’s anything you can do better as a parent. In many cases, however, there’s nothing wrong with your parenting; there’s just something about your child that is hard to accept and understand, and impossible to change.

  If that’s the case, you may still have a great kid, but not necessarily one you can talk to easily, spontaneously, and without anger and inner reservations. After all the good work you’ve done as a parent, that’s hardly fair, but that’s life.

  Good parenting can’t necessarily solve or prevent conflict, but a good parent can manage it for the sake of a long-term relationship, so he can keep the child in his life, whether or not they sometimes feel like incompatible strangers to each other.

  Here are solutions to parent-child conflicts that you’d like but can’t have:

  • A kid who always says just what you were about to say

  • A temperament that isn’t a little too much like your kid’s (but yours is better, of course)

  • A spouse who is better at finding an answer than a source of blame, especially since it’s usually you

  • A way of addressing your child’s grievances that doesn’t create further grievances to bicker over

  Among the wishes parents express about their conflicts with kids are:

  • To find a sweeter carrot or a bigger stick

  • To reach a common understanding of right and wrong behavior

  • To agree on priorities and loyalties

  • To not put one another on edge

  Here are three examples:

  Back before her puberty, my daughter was a cheerful kid who got along well with everyone in the family and didn’t hate to be in my presence. The second the hormones hit, however, she became unhappy, superficial, and perpetually antagonistic. Her grades are failing, she’s obsessed with boys, and she responds to even the most polite question or suggestion with a truckful of attitude and the need to start an argument. I’m completely losing my mind. I don’t know if this is my fault or if it’s just a phase, but if we can’t stop battling soon, neither one of us is going to survive to see her graduate high school. My goal is to stop the perpetual fighting.

  I’m not too happy with the direction my sixteen-year-old son is going in, and I have no choice but to let him know it. He avoids studying, doesn’t care about homework, spends all his time working on his horrible car, and says he really doesn’t want to go to college. I expect more from him and have let him know it—I hate to see him make so many foolish choices that he’s going to live to regret—but all it seems to do is lead to bickering and resentment with him and worry and sadness with my wife. My goal is to point my son in a better direction while not arguing with him all the time.

  I never had a moment of conflict with my son until he married his wife a year ago, and since then, we agree on nothing. His wife is impossible, doesn’t like to spend time with my husband and me, and tells our son we’ve been a bad influence on him somehow. He doesn’t necessarily agree with her, but he doesn’t stand up to her and tends to go along with what she wants. The things she’s said about us are awful, but he won’t ask her to apologize, so we avoid her, but then we seldom see him. When we do see him, he tries to get us to be nicer to her, but we honestly don’t know how since she’s the one who goes after us. My goal is stop the bickering and restore the good relationship we once had with my son.

  Once you’ve tried to do everything in your power to get along better with your kid—attempts at being more understanding; good cop/bad cop with your spouse; advice from shrinks, friends, and books (why, hello!); attempts at being less understanding—it’s time to concede that you are actually powerless and figure out how you’re going to deal with it.

  If a hormonal shift has turned your little girl into a giant terror, check to make sure your child isn’t dangerously depressed, because, for teens especially, anger is depression’s most obvious symptom. There are many depression questionnaires online, but they’re all based on asking straightforward, commonsense questions (about mood, negative thoughts, suicidal impulses, etc.) and not about being subjected to secret pressures, losses, or trauma.

  If, regardless of her answers to you or questionnaires, you think she might be depressed, get her ev
aluated by a mental health professional. If you don’t believe her answers, or get none, the big question changes from whether she’s depressed to whether she’s suicidal. Take her to an emergency room, regardless of her objections, if you have any doubts about her safety.

  Keep in mind that parents are in the best position, potentially, to investigate and sort out the causes of an outburst of irritability or possible depression because you have the best insider access and knowledge. Unless your kid is much more likely to talk to a nice shrink than to you, the shrink has much less to work with than you do.

  If there’s no issue for the child to talk about (either with you or a shrink), no hormone to be treated by a pediatrician (thyroid or otherwise), and no depression to be addressed with a psychiatrist, then the diagnosis is adolescence, for which the only possible cure is time.

  Then all you can do is grit your teeth, set limits on really bad behavior, and mourn the loss of the nice kid you used to know, hoping that she’ll return someday, and if she doesn’t, hope she finds a spouse who is totally immune to moodiness and willing to take her off your hands. Meanwhile, respect yourself for being patient and tolerant when you have your own sorrow (and bratty door slamming) to deal with.

  If you are sad about the kind of person your child is turning out to be, try to be objective about their strengths and not to confuse the chasm between who they are and your expectations with potential weaknesses or faults. Nonacademic children growing up in an intellectual family, for example, will tend to feel like failures, even if they’re talented at sports or art. That’s why it’s important to find a way to value your kids for who they are, even if they’re nothing like you.

  Yes, it’s worthwhile looking for learning disabilities and ways of using a child’s strengths to overcome obstacles. Kids who are good with cars, for instance, often have superior visual-spatial skills that may not be reflected in their ability with words or numbers. If good tutoring, including whatever you and other adults in the family can provide, doesn’t work, however, your bigger goal is acceptance, not academic performance.