F*ck Feelings Page 9

  Joan Didion famously said, “We tell ourselves stories in order to live,” but people don’t just tell their autobiographies; they’re prolific in their own fan fiction as well. Such fictions, also known as lies, are also integral to all of our lives, and one of the biggest lies we often tell ourselves is “everything is going to be okay.”

  We nurture this illusion of safety so we don’t have to live in a constant state of panic, but sometimes wishful thinking makes us fool ourselves into believing we can reform either someone dangerous or our own dangerous thoughts after a random, overwhelming trauma.

  The facts are, however, that we can’t count on safety even when we’re careful; neither can we stop feeling fear once it’s got hold of us, and sometimes we have to give up all we own and flee.

  In any case, it takes careful thought to be realistic about safety, avoid exposure to danger for the wrong reasons, and stop blaming ourselves for the harm and losses that occur when safety is impossible.

  When a relationship is unsafe and you don’t know when or how you might be attacked, a lawyer is usually your best therapist, because knowing your actual risks is the best antidote to both unreasonable fears and wishful thinking. Just don’t look for a lawyer who will listen, hold your hand, and sympathize with how unfair it is that the police and courts can’t really protect you. Lawyers charge too much for you to use them for sympathy alone, and besides, it would be a waste of time for everyone involved.

  Instead, look for a lawyer who will tell you what will really happen; help you estimate your risk exposure after doing everything you can to preserve your home, relationships, etc.; and encourage you to do what’s necessary, however unfair it is that you have to do it, to protect yourself.

  Don’t make the mistake of looking for a shrink who is well meaning and foolish enough to try to help you work out your relationship with a dangerous person, because pursuing such a goal can stir up and stimulate a psyche set to explode.

  If you have a loved one who is dangerous but wants to control it, urge them to find a shrink who won’t waste time figuring out why they’re so angry, but will just help them put a lid on things and keep it there, regardless of the pain inside, while you stay out of it.

  Even if you’ve done the right thing, don’t expect to feel good. No one controls their reaction to trauma, which may linger for years. Certainly, you should try standard PTSD treatments, like medication and cognitive therapies, which sometimes help. Remind yourself, however, that whether or not you continue to have anxiety attacks and phobias, you’ve done the right thing and you’re not to blame for your current condition.

  Accepting the fact that you can’t protect yourself or your family from crazies or the fear they inspire doesn’t ever mean you’ve been defeated. It just means life is full of crazy dangers and you’re a success as long as you get the message and act accordingly, even if you have to cut off your right arm in doing so.

  Indeed, every day that you venture out of your house, do your usual job, and endure fears and symptoms, you’re a hero, and in a nonfiction way.

  Quick Diagnosis

  Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:

  • Safety, security, and control over same

  • Guaranteed preservation of your closest relationships, job, home, etc.

  • Exorcism of demons in those you love

  • Restoration of your peace of mind

  Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:

  • Find the best compromise between safety and your other priorities in an unsafe world

  • Reduce the risk of violence by walling yourself off from dangerous people, even those close to you

  • Strengthen your survival skills and help your family survive

  • Become strong enough to pursue your usual life in spite of humiliation, loss, anxiety, and fears that won’t go away

  Here’s how you can do it:

  • Judge your risk by what is likely to happen, not by what you wish will change

  • Gather information from experts about what you can actually do to reduce your risk

  • Discard wishful thinking and do what’s necessary

  • Manage the pain of loss and persistent fear without feeling like a failure

  • Take pride in your survival efforts and what they require

  Your Script

  Here’s what to tell someone/yourself when you’re feeling endangered.

  Dear [Me/Family Member/Dangerous Family Member/Ex/Nut Job Who’s Forced His Way into Your Orbit],

  I hate to think that the danger of violence means we can’t find a way to [work things out/avoid legal action/prevent an explosion], but that’s something you or I can’t control, regardless of what we do. I’m therefore going to [take whatever action is necessary/leave town/go into witness protection] to put an end to the risk and allow both of us to move on. I believe we should stop communicating and will not accept [insert any type of communication here, including carrier pigeon].

  Did You Know . . . That Judge Judy Is an American Hero?*

  Retired family-court judge Judith Sheindlin, aka Judge Judy, makes tens of millions of dollars every year for doing one of the least appreciated jobs in the world: going on television and telling foolish people that they are wrong, that they can’t get what they want just because they feel it’s owed to them, and that adult men cannot wear ripped dungarees.

  Judge Judy has been broadcast in syndication for years, and even though her message and delivery haven’t changed much during her run, her worth and popularity only seem to increase. It might seem unclear why viewers can’t get enough of being reminded not to play house and sign a lease with someone if you’re not married, or that an oral contract is bullshit, or not to cross your arms because you’re in court, dummy, but the fact is, as humans, there is a part of us deep down that refuses to acknowledge how unfair life is.

  That means every time Judy tells someone she can’t get back all the money she lent her baby daddy, or tells someone she doesn’t care how he feels because this is court, not therapy, it’s always a mini-revelation. She does more than settle small-claims cases; she is the oracle of the big truth. When you see the happenings in the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheindlin, you see a true hero at work.

  *This book was completed before the release of Amy Poehler’s excellent memoir/call to arms, Yes Please, in which she also uses the phrase “Judge Judy, American Hero.” As such, the similar phrasing is due to a genuine, shared admiration for a legal heroine, not a theft, intentional or otherwise, and we hope Ms. Poehler understands (or just reads this book; she’s great).

  Getting Closure After Childhood Abuse

  Child abuse is a particularly heinous crime because kids are helpless and defenseless against it, the effects stretch on forever, and if you really care about helping kids grow and become strong, then watching them harmed is truly heartbreaking. Not only is it instinctive for us to punish child abuse; we want to eliminate abusers from our world, and in a most painful manner.

  But sometimes, punishing an abuser may harm a victim more than it helps, while making it harder to reduce abuse in the world. For those abusers who are easy to manage—the drunken parent who never does it again once he’s outed—jail does no good while destroying the family’s financial security and, most important, making it more difficult for victims to recover. The prospect of punishment may also deter reporting by family members who fear its effect on the family.

  Some would argue that it helps recovery to have victims confront their abuser, or at least see their abuser confronted by authority. In fact, a kid’s feelings of responsibility for the condition of his or her parents and other adults aren’t easily erased, even by validating the much greater responsibility of parents for kids.

  Unfortunately, recovery from abuse usually requires long-term retraining rather than catharsis, and guilty feelings of responsibility and the destructive urges that go with them tend to linger long after kids have grown up and escaped the
coercion of their past.

  So don’t expect to overcome child abuse by gathering courage to confront your abuser. Feeling validated and knowing that he’s exposed and punished may not improve depression, despair, and loneliness. What does help, however, is to learn how to value yourself and fight self-destructive urges.

  So the long-term symptoms that arise from child abuse—depression, anxiety, PTSD—may or may not be helped by confrontation, direct or indirect. Indeed, they may not be curable by any treatment. What is most important, however, is that the abuse victim understands that he is not responsible for causing or clearing up symptoms, but for living a meaningful life in spite of them. That’s the only sure way to stand up to child abuse: by living a full life in spite of it, not defined by it, as a healthy adult.

  Here’s what should happen to the victims of child abuse but often doesn’t:

  • Healing from anxiety, depression, and self-hate

  • Reduction in feeling overly sensitive to and responsible for the feelings of others

  • Comfort with close relationships, sexual and otherwise

  • Confidence in the ability to protect oneself

  Among the wishes people express are:

  • To stop anxiety, depression, and self-harmful urges

  • To break the pattern and stop choosing friends and partners who are abusive

  • To feel happy, confident, or normal

  • To get closure on their experience

  Here are three examples:

  My father stopped abusing me after I told the school social worker, and now I’m seeing a therapist who is trying to help me with depression. The therapist thinks I don’t want to see my father punished because I’m trying to protect him, but I’m also worried about what will happen to the family if he’s in jail and we’re broke. My mother can’t work, and I have older siblings who were never hit and will have to drop out of school if my parents can’t help pay. My goal is to figure out what will be best for my recovery and how to find treatment that will help.

  It turns out my daughter was abused by her stepfather when he was drinking and I didn’t know, and now I feel terrible. She was seeing a therapist because she was cutting herself, skipping curfew, and hanging out with a much older drug user who was clearly taking advantage of her. I’ve told her I’m sorry, and that I was so busy trying to keep things going that I was blind to what was really going on, but she’s as angry and depressed as ever and I just don’t know what to do. My goal is to help her recover from this horrible trauma, for which I feel responsible.

  I was molested by a family friend whenever the two families spent a lot of time together when I was a child, and now, ten years later, treatment has helped me realize how inappropriate it was and how much I hated him for it. When I told my parents, they were shocked and very supportive, but they’re close to this man’s entire family and they don’t want to say anything, particularly now that he’s old and unwell. I’ve told them if they won’t, I will. My goal is to make sure this can’t happen again, strike a blow for honesty and openness, and help my own recovery.

  There’s an all-or-nothing quality to the anger experienced by survivors of abuse that, while perfectly understandable, is very hard to change and manage. Whether you turn it on others or yourself, it leaves little room for trust, hope, or compromise and is pure poison for relationships with others and your desire to live. The anger is as powerful, destructive, and erratic as a natural disaster, except the cause is anything but.

  Focusing that anger on the abuser seems like the obvious choice—he certainly deserves it—but doing so doesn’t make the pain go away. It may also hold false promise for relief and healing that, when broken, could make the pain worse.

  You may feel comforted by a therapist who joins you in your anger against your abuser and other people in your life who treat you badly. As time goes by, however, you have to ask yourself whether it’s really helping. Your feelings may be validated, but your long-term goal is not to hate your enemies, regardless of how hateful they are, but to find friends who are basically trustworthy and learn how to manage extreme feelings, whether you’re trying too hard to be liked or getting too angry when you’re hurt. Make sure your therapy can provide you with tools and good coaching for that difficult task.

  A good way to educate yourself about remedies that help you manage extreme feelings is to read the curriculum for a cognitive/behavioral treatment called DBT (dialectical behavior therapy). It provides ideas, exercises, and values for training yourself to respond constructively when you feel hate and despair. It doesn’t make those feelings go away, unfortunately, and frustrating them can temporarily make them worse. The fact that you’ve prevented yourself from doing something destructive, however, like hurting yourself or blowing off a friendship, can protect you from re-traumatizing yourself and, in the end, give you a better life.

  If you’re the parent or friend of someone who happens to have the extremely negative feelings that result from abuse, advising her on how to manage feelings is much more helpful than trying to ease, or take responsibility for, her pain. If you feel responsible, think carefully about what you actually controlled and apologize, but don’t let guilt get you to blindly encourage and tolerate venting, accusations, and mean behavior.

  Instead, remind yourself that neither you nor she deserves pain and that she has to learn to manage it, or it will cause more pain. Familiarize yourself with DBT or some other cognitive/behavioral approach to managing negativity, and encourage her to do likewise. Then remove yourself from negative conversations and try to focus her in a positive direction.

  If you wonder whether disclosure to family will help, don’t do it for catharsis. Instead, add up the positive and negative consequences. Of course disclosure is necessary if it’s the only way to prevent further abuse (or if you’re a legally mandated reporter). Otherwise, it may stir up a hornet’s nest among friends and family who can’t tolerate the truth and can thus cause further isolation and conflict for the victim. What’s important is not airing the truth and punishing the criminal (especially if s/he can no longer hurt anyone else), but getting as much support and understanding as you can from those who have it to give.

  Not all abuse victims are troubled by negative feelings, but most must carry some burden of pain, anxiety, and mistrust that doesn’t disappear, even with good therapy and loving friends. When they can endure those feelings and nevertheless find a reason to live, love, and restrain negative impulses, they’ve truly overcome their trauma. The negative emotions may still be powerful enough to linger, but positive actions are what matter.

  Quick Diagnosis

  Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:

  • A world in which abuse doesn’t occur

  • Freedom from pain, trauma, doubt, self-hate, and yearnings for bad people and bad substances

  • Reliable healing through catharsis, intense support, or anything quick

  • Healing through punishment and a slow and painful revenge

  Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:

  • Improve safety

  • Get better at controlling self-destructive behavior

  • Gain perspective that is less distorted by negative feelings and close relationships

  • Gain hope in a better future

  Here’s how you can do it:

  • Report and stop child abuse whenever you encounter it

  • Discuss methods for evaluating how you’re doing and what’s important for you that are not reactive to intense negative feelings or the opinion of others

  • Practice methods for staying in touch with your goals and values when you’re flooded with negative feelings

  • Find coaches and supporters who can reinforce your progress

  • Take pride in what you’ve accomplished, despite continuing pressure to despair and hurt yourself and your relationships

  Your Script

  Here’s what to tell someone/yourself when you’
re feeling abuse-related fear and despair.

  Dear [Me/Abuser/Person Who Has Disappointed Me But May Not Be Abusive/Indifferent Jerk],

  I feel as if life is [insert synonym for “bullshit”] and the people I care most about don’t really respect [what I have to give/me, since they’ve used me like a Wet-Nap at a clambake], but I know my childhood left me with horrible feelings and even more horrible taste in friends. I will continue to avoid [drinking/drugging/hanging out with Assholes], attend meetings with like-minded people, keep on working if I can, and review the exercises that remind me about what I value in life and myself.

  Getting a Square Deal

  Getting your due, in spite of most people’s inflated expectations of what they deserve, is a reasonable goal only if you’re under the age of seven. Children often use fairness as the main argument for both getting what they want and avoiding what they don’t want, and it’s also why their arguments often end in tears.

  It would certainly be a better world if you could count on getting what you deserve if you stand up for yourself and appeal to the right authorities. But facts are often impossible to confirm, and authorities have the same weaknesses as everyone else, so it’s no wonder that fights about fairness escalate fast. When parents are the authority, they can just tell kids that life isn’t fair. When adults accuse other adults of unfair behavior, it implies they’re bad, and the nastiness that results is usually much worse than a time-out.

  A righteous strike for fair wages may push your job overseas, or getting your spouse to understand your point may win you a cold shoulder and weeks of couples therapy. The amount of passion you feel for getting what you deserve, however, should tell you it’s a dangerous wish and force you to think twice before adopting it as a goal and making it a cause.