F*ck Feelings Page 6

  Unleashing the Power of Persuasion

  Of the many things you’re supposed to feel for yourself before others can follow suit—i.e., love, admiration, even lust—confidence is among the most misleading. The idea that if you believe in yourself, you can persuade others to follow your command, is sold to us near the end of many movies when the unlikely hero finally takes the crown. Sadly, what’s true for Luke Skywalker is rarely true for the rest of us.

  People often believe that, with enough training, fitness, or self-hypnosis, they can gain the ability to influence others, sell goods, get clients, get votes, get laid, etc.—all of which depends on the strength of their self-belief. If anything interferes with that self-belief, they become obsessed with trying to figure out how to release the magic or undo the damage, a process that can become a self-critical, self-centered spiral into the dark side.

  In reality, persuasiveness depends on, and can be harmed by, factors that are beyond your control, including anxiety, depression, and other illness. Just because you’re successfully persuasive today doesn’t mean you will be tomorrow, and believing that recovering or maintaining this ability is all up to you just worsens your feelings of failure.

  In addition, many people just aren’t articulate and never will be. We love to see shy, ugly people transform into great, persuasive performers and politicians—in what other universe would The King’s Speech become a movie?—but the fact that we have to pay to see it at the movies, or get a personal intervention from God, tells you that most of us are who we are and have to work with what we’ve got.

  Certainly, you should work hard, train well, and do what you can to build and rebuild your confidence. If, however, your influence is nevertheless waning or just wan and unimproved, don’t self-destruct on self-doubt. Be prepared to admit, after trying all the usual remedies, that maybe there’s nothing you can do to get it or get it back, so there’s no point in ruminating about what you did wrong. You can still believe in yourself, as long as you believe that your flaws and misfortunes are part of the package.

  Don’t blame yourself for an accidental encounter with self-doubt, because there’s still much to be done. It may not be as easy or as much fun to win someone over as it would be if you were silver-tongued, but having a silver tongue is not the only way to be effective.

  In any case, don’t try to control your confidence in your power of persuasion, as much as you would wish for it. Instead, use whatever other methods you can find, even if they’re not interesting or fun, to get the job done.

  Here are signs that the Force of Persuasion is not with you:

  • When you try to dress for success, people ask if you’re going to a costume party

  • Your words come out as if you’re speaking a foreign language

  • Your listeners respond as if you’re speaking a foreign language

  • The harder you try to project confidence, the more you get treated like poop

  Among the wishes people express when they yearn for the power to persuade:

  • To find the confidence to release their inner persuader

  • To move the world with the strength of their words and beliefs, or at least move a date, key family members, or important clients

  • To stop overthinking and trying to defeat themselves

  • To understand where their mojo’s gone

  • To trick themselves into thinking they’re great so others will follow

  Here are three examples:

  I used to be able to hold my students spellbound, but ever since my stroke it’s hard to keep their attention. My speech is clear and my memory is solid, but my words don’t flow and sometimes I get nervous and blush, which never happened before. Then I doubt myself, which just gets me more off my rhythm, and I start to notice they’re fidgeting and bored, and it’s even harder to get back on track. My goal is to figure out how to get back my ability to lecture to my standards or let myself down and retire.

  If I wasn’t her son (and only child), I bet I could get my mother to stop drinking. I’m always nervous about how she’s going to respond, so I’m always hesitant and apologetic, instead of telling her why she needs to quit. It’s depressing that I can’t get through to her, but with Dad long gone, I don’t know anyone else she’ll listen to. My goal is to get the confidence to speak to her effectively and get her sober.

  There are three guys at the dealership I work at who know less about the cars than I do, but they sell them better because they really think they’re hotshots. I’ve studied the sales material carefully and know it cold, and I sell enough cars to keep my job, but I hate getting beat by guys who are just better at bullshitting than I am. My goal is to get the confidence to be a better bullshitter or get better at bullshit so I’ll have more confidence, get the bonuses, and never feel screwed over again.

  Just because you lack persuasive abilities for one reason or another, or find them unequal to the task at hand, doesn’t mean that you should be able to be more persuasive and should keep trying until you are. There’s a certain point—let’s call it the desperation fulcrum—at which pushing yourself to be more articulate makes you repetitive, boring, and overeager, driving people further away from your point of view.

  Unfortunately, practice doesn’t make perfect; at some point, after you’ve consulted advisers, tried exercises, and analyzed obstacles, it’s time to accept that the problem is what it is. If you keep on looking at improving persuasiveness as the goal of a failed quest, life will seem increasingly negative and hopeless, and the fulcrum point will move ever closer with each new negotiation.

  If you accept your problem as an unfortunate dysfunction you’ve done your best to fix, then the failure isn’t personal. You’ve done a good job pushing your limits (even if they pushed right back) and it’s time to look for alternatives.

  Remember, persuasiveness is one of those abilities that can do both good and harm. It can get you sales, votes, and deals, but it also gives you the power to take advantage of others or use negative emotions to get their support, and this may turn into mini–Wolf of Wall Street, damaging your reputation (and eternal soul) in the long run. Even if you get them to do things for you that they wouldn’t for someone else, their motivation will disappear if they think they don’t have your attention.

  In any case, there are ways you can achieve your goal even if you don’t have the ability to persuade. One is to follow a commonsense procedure for weighing decisions as if you were the person you wish to persuade. Instead of pushing their emotional buttons, pretend you’re a coach or adviser responsible for reviewing all the reasons for or against a decision, taking into account consequences and your clients’ values.

  Whether you’re trying to sell them a car or sobriety, use plainspoken expertise, not flash, to explain the risks and benefits you believe they face. Know the pros and cons well enough that your confidence in your knowledge shines through, and if you still can’t close on the sale, you won’t feel the urge to keep nudging, or to reproach your own unpersuasiveness, since you’ll know you did your best.

  So don’t despair if you can’t summon persuasive powers. You may long for the unique pleasure and power of being a wheeler-dealer or orator, but assuming that your main interest is in getting the job done, there are other ways to do it and feel good about your accomplishments instead of desperate about what you just can’t do.

  Quick Diagnosis

  Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:

  • To get people other than your mother to pay attention and take pleasure in listening to you

  • To get people to do what you want for financial, sexual, or generally selfish benefit

  • To win people over with the natural charisma you do not have

  Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:

  • Offer people a fair summary of the pros and cons of a possible decision

  • Persuade people that you’re more interested in enhancing their choices than imposing your own o
pinion

  • Be a knowledgeable, good listener

  • Keep your emotions to yourself

  • Take satisfaction in meeting your own standards rather than moving others

  Here’s how you can do it:

  • Develop due diligence procedures for listing the risks and rewards of any decision, including purchases, partnerships, and partying

  • Do your research and gather information about decisions you wish to influence

  • Present yourself in terms of your interest in finding a good solution, rather than forming a close relationship or winning a contest

  • Learn to present information accurately and concisely, even if you’re boring and not funny

  • Judge yourself on whether you’ve followed your procedures, rather than on whether someone did what you wanted them to do

  Your Script

  Here’s what to say to yourself or a skeptical relative, client, or customer when you’re trying, and failing, to sell your point.

  Dear [Me/Suspicious Client/Stubborn Relative],

  Regardless of my own opinion, I’d like to help you [make a decision/spend a lot of money/pass an exam/get your head out of your ass] by giving you a brief rundown of the [pros and cons /fact and fiction/details I know backward and forward]. If you happen to have strong [insert emotional noun] about this situation, I hope you will weigh them objectively while considering their likelihood, and add them into your overall equation.

  Good versus Bad Things upon Which to Base Your Self-Esteem

  Good Things

  Bad Things

  Sticking with a job you need even though your boss deserves an ass-kicking you can’t provide

  Quitting and telling your boss to go fuck himself because nobody tells you when you can and can’t take a day off to see the new Fast and Furious movie

  Biting your tongue when you’d rather bite someone’s head off

  Getting the last word when that pregnant lady tried to steal your seat on the subway

  Finishing last, knowing you gave all you had

  Being the thinnest woman in your spin class, especially after finding a bike next to the fattest

  Taking care of business when you feel like a total loser

  Getting higher than Pluto for an entire weekend shift without getting fired or even pulled over

  Working your hardest and finishing in a day what used to take you an hour

  Having a gold iPhone. It’s so shiny!

  Standing Up to Bullies

  Another big reason people put confidence on their wish list of missing and much-desired attributes is the wish to face down intimidation and humiliation in personal relationships, whether it’s from a boss, parent, or spouse. While calling such intimidators “bullies” seems like an awkward thing to do once you’ve graduated beyond the school bus and playground, the title still seems fitting even if in adulthood the wedgies and swirlies are strictly psychological.

  No matter how old you are, when someone insults and intimidates you, you think long and hard, over and over, about what you could have said or done in response. Unless you can also think of how to make a time machine, however, this mental exercise just makes you feel more helpless and less prepared for next time.

  Like any animal under attack, you may respond instinctively and say or do something before you have a chance to think. For instance, you may go out of your way not to show fear because it might expose weakness and encourage further attacks, or you feel responsible for defending yourself if you’re criticized for something you didn’t do. In any case, being bullied makes you yearn for strength, verbal ability, and . . . confidence! And probably a gym membership.

  The fact is, however, that many people get relatively inarticulate when they’re anxious, and very few people are good at the art of speaking up in the face of authority without getting into trouble. Nevertheless, they imagine they could stand up for themselves if they had more self-esteem, like the movie hero responding with a condescending smile to the bad guy’s sneer and pointed gun.

  In reality, standing up to intimidation and facing down bullies is a bad goal. It would feel delicious if you could do it (which is why we love to watch such scenes on TV), but retaliation carries all the risks of road rage: losing your original purpose and direction and risking injury, guilt, and punishment for the unintended harm you cause. You’ve got other goals and obligations to pursue, and fighting battles with people you don’t like and aren’t going to change seldom makes sense, even if they’re smaller than you.

  The truth is, fighting back isn’t the antidote to humiliation and intimidation; it’s more often an accelerant. Instead, give thought to values and consequences.

  Ask yourself whether the fight is worthwhile and winnable by considering risks and worst-case scenarios and keeping your mouth shut to give yourself time to think. Nobody likes to be bullied or humiliated, but once you’re out of the school yard, the consequences for standing up to bullies are much worse than detention and a black eye, like, say, fines and prison.

  So strengthen your resolve, not your muscles, and learn to beat bullies by remembering what’s important, and that humiliation isn’t.

  Here are signs that a face down is not a good idea:

  • You’re not a black belt . . . or you are a black belt

  • He’s richer, stronger, better connected, and has better lawyers

  • You have better things to do, like get through the day and not ruin your life

  • You know that your confrontation won’t change anything in the long run, except maybe your employment status or the shape of your nose

  • You’re throwing around terms like “send a message,” “unfair,” “can’t let him think that,” etc., and you’re not a Blood or Crip

  Among the wishes people express when they want to avoid or end humiliation are:

  • To be as amusingly insulting as Dorothy Parker and Winston Churchill

  • To be as good at verbal self-defense as their bully is at humiliation

  • To control anxious or deferential feelings that cause helpless paralysis

  • To get someone to back down

  Here are three examples:

  My neighborhood was a happy place for twenty years until a crazy guy moved next door and posted No Trespassing signs on the fence between us. He accused me of dumping leaves into his yard and glared at my kids, who are careful not to bother him. He would point a video camera at them and my wife whenever they played in the yard. At first I tried to reassure him, but recently I’ve told him he has to stop, and he’s gotten even weirder. The police tell me they can’t do anything unless he physically threatens us. My goal is to get him to back off and not have to worry about him all the time.

  My boss is often nasty and demeaning, though he thinks he’s just being professional. He’ll call me out during a meeting because something wasn’t done, even though he either didn’t tell me he wanted it or didn’t give me enough time. If I protest, he treats it like I’m giving him excuses or he just changes the subject. When I’ve tried to discuss his leadership style with his boss, I get told that’s just his way and I shouldn’t be so sensitive. I feel trapped and intimidated. My goal is to stop my boss from being abusive.

  My husband is a know-it-all who gets overbearing when he’s drinking, but never admits it when he’s sober. He’s a good provider, and I don’t want to break up our family, but we all tiptoe around him when he starts to drink, and it’s oppressive living with him. My goal is to figure out how to stand up to him so I don’t have to feel like a mouse.

  Sadly, not all protest is effective, and if you’ve witnessed most recent American political protests, whether they involve hats with attached tea bags or giant puppets, you know that protest can have unintended consequences, like making you look ridiculous. If this were a fair world, a brave protest would expose every bully to appropriate ridicule and/or cause him/her to reexamine and correct bad behavior. In this world, however, protests often strengthen a
nd empower your enemies, especially if somebody takes your picture.

  Your goal then isn’t to stand up to trouble, but to determine what, if anything, you can say or do that won’t stir up trouble even more. Whether a bully is crazy or just touchy, criticism is more likely to trigger irrational attack rather than thoughtful dialogue.

  In the case of a crazy bully, you may have no choice but to accept an ongoing risk of being humiliated, intimidated, harmed, and/or fired and knowing you can’t stop it. That said (and your tears wept, and chagrin spat out), think of your other options.

  Knowing that you can’t reduce these risks should motivate you to look elsewhere to live, work, etc. If you try too hard to fight a battle you can’t win, you’ll be too worn-out to leave. Instead, if you know the battle is unwinnable, smile politely until you’re gone.

  Of course, every now and then you’ll discover that you actually have more power than you think and the bully’s power rests on nothing but hot air and your own fears. Most times this happens, however, you can’t celebrate a simple victory by telling the bully to get lost because s/he is stuck in your orbit (close family, neighbor, etc.) and both your celebration and new power must be wielded quietly to encourage good behavior.

  It’s not fair, but if you’ve been alive long enough to own books with “F*ck” in the title, you know that not much is. Besides, if it’s any consolation, a truly crazy bully doesn’t even know why he’s coming after you in the first place, because that’s the nature of crazy. You can always move on, but he’ll always be stuck in his own insanity.

  Aside from considering departure options, the other way to protect yourself, especially if a bully is irrational, is to wall off your negative, helpless emotions and feel proud of your ability to make the best of tough situations. Whether you’re getting zapped by your boss at a job you can’t afford to leave or by a husband under comparable circumstances, stop sharing how you feel and start negotiating, beginning with whatever you’re accused of doing wrong.