F*ck Feelings Page 32

  Grammar for Defending Yourself against False Accusations of Bad Behavior

  Don’t Say

  Do Say

  That’s not what happened!

  Thanks for sharing that.

  I can tell you what happened.

  I’m going to think about that later.

  You’re wrong, you fucking jerk.

  Friend, I’ve given it careful thought, and . . .

  I want an apology right fucking now.

  I’m afraid I’ll have to disagree. Anyway.

  I hope that cleared the air.

  Agree to disagree? Great.

  I’d like us to be able to communicate!

  Next topic—do you watch Suits? I know it’s on USA, but I swear, it’s good stuff!

  Living and Working with Inescapable Assholes

  To paraphrase the old saying, opinions are like Assholes; everyone’s got at least one really unbearable one in their house or office (or pants, at least depending on your hot sauce intake) and they usually stink. When an Asshole’s behavior is out of control in what should be a quiet, controlled environment, it’s often because whoever has leadership responsibility in the organization doesn’t know how to use it. She’s the one who is supposed to tell everyone else to keep their opinions/Asshole behavior to themselves.

  Unfortunately, not even the strongest leadership can stop an Asshole from being an Asshole, but it can often limit the damage. By either firing or otherwise constraining an Asshole at work or by setting limits on his behavior at home he can be neutralized. If, without having the necessary authority, you try to limit an Asshole’s bad behavior, you may run into trouble and catch flak instead of gratitude. It’s important to ask yourself why those who should be managing an Asshole’s bad behavior aren’t doing it, especially before you try doing something about it yourself.

  It’s natural to ask your boss or parent to protect you and limit the damage if an Asshole is messing up your work, belongings, head, etc. If the authorities don’t have the strength and just want everyone to get along, however, they may well make you responsible for smoothing things over and stopping the bad behavior. They’ll tell you that since you’re more reasonable, they expect you to solve the problem. If you argue and imply the responsibility is theirs, you’re also implying that they’re doing a bad job (which they are, but bosses and parents are rarely keen on that kind of critique).

  If you feel too responsible for the well-being of your workplace or family to suck it up, and instead try to clean it up, there’s no way out of a vicious cycle. The more you try to change bad behavior when you don’t have authority, the more everyone will wind up against you. Don’t accept the idea that you need to make your family or workplace better when it’s really impossible.

  Instead, do your job and look for a new one while figuring out ways to stay polite and tune out the Asshole. Give yourself credit for working in a sewer and use what you know about Assholes to find a better job with a good boss who’s a better Asshole slayer.

  How to know when an Asshole at home or work should be left alone:

  • The Asshole has the same last name as the boss

  • Your boss or parent wears a T-shirt saying “I’m EVER so nice and harmless!”

  • Raising issues gets you sympathy for your feelings and jack shit in terms of action

  • Conflict gets you treated as if you used your power to release the Asshole, Kraken-style

  Among the wishes people express when they write us or come for treatment are:

  • To stop the Asshole at home or work from making them miserable

  • To understand why no one does anything about said Asshole despite her obvious jerkiness

  • To figure out why speaking up about said Asshole causes nothing but trouble

  • To get the powers that be to understand what said Asshole is actually doing—namely, something wrong

  Here are some examples:

  My sister and I never got along, and I’d like to say that we’re fine now that we’re in our twenties and living at home out of economic necessity, but it’s gotten even worse. She’s a weird person who doesn’t really get along with anyone, and she has nothing better to do than to make sarcastic comments about me from the time I arrive home from work to the time I go to my bedroom to hide from her. When I complain to my parents, they tell me she’s different and if I don’t like it, I should find my own place. I don’t yet have the money though because I’m paying them what I can every month for rent, but what my sister says to me is really awful. My goal is not to have to flee to my room every night when I’m really doing my best to get ahead and be a good, responsible person.

  This guy at work is stupid and lazy, but he’s good at joking with our male boss and the other guys on the team, so he gets away with murder. Meanwhile, he’s dismissive with me and the other women on the team and has a way of passing the buck, losing what we give him, and then blaming our hormones if we complain. I like the job, but I’m afraid that complaining to our boss will seem petty and disloyal. I’ve tried telling this guy that I’m unhappy with his work and attitude, but he just makes excuses and tells me I’m not good at getting along. I don’t want to be silent just because the boys don’t respect what I’m saying. My goal is to figure out how to make this work.

  My boss is downright abusive and my performance review was a joke, and I’m not the only person who feels that way, but going to HR about him has gotten me nowhere. I tried speaking to the big boss, who was very pleasant and said he’d look into it, but afterward nothing happened. Then my performance review got even pickier and I have the feeling they’re trying to document me out. There’s a nasty atmosphere, and it’s really my boss’s fault. I don’t understand how he can get away with it. My goal is just to be left alone to do my job.

  You’re right to expect management to do something to stop Assholes from behaving like Assholes within your family or business organization. You’re right to talk to management about the problem after making sure you’ve got your facts straight and don’t sound too vindictive or emotional. Before you act, however, you should look around and wonder why no one has objected to the bad behavior before.

  Unfortunately, the usual answer is that there’s something wrong with the parent, boss, and others who tolerate bad behavior without stopping it. They may be far more likable than the Asshole, but they’re the bigger problem and you’re not going to get anywhere.

  Don’t keep on fighting. You’ll just get more entrenched in a place you need to leave and a struggle you can’t win. Use every tool you can think of to detach yourself from caring without compromising your principles. Keep on being polite, doing your job, and living up to your responsibilities, but start to cool your connection to this social or work world while heating up your search for the next one. Remember, your prime responsibility is to meet your own standards as an individual, not to save the family or team from itself.

  An Asshole is like a managerial stress test; you can tell how solid the leadership is by how they deal with his bad behavior. The longer it’s been going on and the more outrageous it is, the worse the weakness at the top.

  If an Asshole is accustomed to getting away with bad behavior at your workplace, he may cross a line and do something nefarious. You can document it and use it for leverage. Don’t expect it to happen, but be ready if it does. Seek out advice or do research that tells you where the line is and what your rights are if it’s crossed. Remember, though, your goal isn’t to get revenge or express your anger. As good as that would feel, your goal is to get what you think is right, if the fight is worthwhile and winnable.

  Don’t get distracted by Assholes and their bad behavior in your home or workplace. Look instead at how they’re dealt with by the powers that be and decide what you need to do to protect yourself and find a better place to live and work.

  Quick Diagnosis

  Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:

  • To be treated fairly and protected from
bullying by the boss

  • To see people who behave badly treated fairly, as the Bill of Rights dictates

  • To be heard and understood when you have a legitimate complaint

  • To be recognized for hard work and dedication, and not with a golden trophy or anything, just the basics

  Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:

  • Become invisible and hope the Asshole picks on someone else, hopefully someone who actually has the leverage to get him axed

  • Shift your office, partition, bedroom, career, etc., and get a white noise machine and a DVD on meditation

  • Get permission to work at home so you can get your job (and new job search) done in peace

  • Learn how to spot Assholes and ineffective bosses when you interview for a job or go on a date

  Here’s how you can do it:

  • When you’re sure that talking gets you nowhere, shut up

  • Don’t complain about the Asshole, nice-guy boss, or work because, as cathartic as the temporary venting feels, it just makes them more important

  • Don’t threaten the Asshole or your boss/parent with criticism; chat with them about the weather or Greek yogurt

  • Comfort yourself by doing a good job search or finding a good orphanage to grow up in

  Your Script

  Here’s what to say to a boss or family member “in charge of” an Asshole who is making your life shit.

  Dear [Nice-Guy Boss/Parent],

  Thanks for listening to my concerns the other day. I really appreciate your [taking the time to listen/smart ideas/ability to fart so silently]. I now have a much better idea of how to respond to disagreements about [your job description/alleged bad behavior/my job performance (which is excellent)]. I now have an action plan that will include [being a dedicated part of the team/hearing my co-workers out/doing all the stuff I’m already doing because I’m fucking good at my job]. I am optimistic that these measures will be helpful and effective. [Subconsciously implied: you are bad at your job. But don’t insert that.]

  Never expect to untangle your feelings about Assholes or whatever about them that ties you in knots. It will just get worse. If you try to “make things right,” you will find yourself turning into an Asshole, driven to seek revenge, closure, and justice, instead of hanging on to your original goals and your original personality. You have a right to feel pain, injustice, and unfairness when Assholes collide with your life, but your goal is to keep going down the road that is most meaningful to you using whatever equipment still works. The more you can strengthen your personal philosophy and see meaning in the good things you do, the better. The Asshole will find a new source of blame. Focus on finding your old purpose, sticking to it, and riding out the shit storm.

  bonus chapter ten

  fuck treatment

  Even if you’ve read this entire book from cover to cover and learned all you can about managing expectations, accepting limitations, and wrangling Assholes, you may still be considering getting professional help, but not feel entirely confident you know what “treatment” actually entails.

  So now that you’ve read a full guide to handling life’s most common unsolvable problems, we offer you a guide to the most common forms of professional help, along with how to decide whether it’s truly necessary, what kind might work best, what to expect, when to stop, and basically all the information you need to approach treatment without feeling helpless.

  In any case, treatment usually provides partial help; the rest is up to you, so you need to get as knowledgeable as you can in order to decide whether more help is necessary or not, and what you can get out of it (that you can’t get from just reading this book).

  Getting Treatment

  There are many suggested methods for problem solving in this book, from the pleasant, such as exercise and kindness, to the less pleasant, such as setting limits and shutting the fuck up. And then, of course, there’s treatment, including medication and talk therapy.

  Treatment happens to put food on our table, but it’s rarely our first recommendation for any problem; it can be expensive and time-consuming, and if you enter it with unrealistic expectations, ineffective or even damaging.

  Many people think therapy is a deeply emotional, somewhat spooky process whereby a compassionate, supportive Melfi/Gandalf hybrid therapist gets patients to recognize and experience painful thoughts, memories, and feelings. People assume this therapy gets at deeper reasons for emotional pain and irrational behavior and offers a more permanent and self-reliant solution to persistent unhappiness than just popping happy pills ever could.

  Unfortunately, therapy of that kind, like most treatments, is rarely a cure, sometimes totally ineffective, and frequently effective to a limited degree. In any case, insurers would rather pay for you to get a third arm attached to your back to better facilitate the scratching of your ass than cover any kind of frequent, endless, goalless therapy.

  As for getting at the root of issues, that’s nice when it happens, but it usually only happens in movies (that aren’t good) with results that are equally unrealistic. In real life, most problems have many causes and many of those causes can’t be changed, even with blinding insight or a good, snotty cry, so if you expect that treatment will provide solutions, you’ll feel like a failure.

  People who recognize this simple fact, however, including both therapists and patients, do not see themselves as failures when therapy doesn’t work. Indeed, therapists who recognize the limits of talk therapy have developed many new ways of using questions, ideas, suggestions, and coached behaviors to accomplish specific goals. When considering therapy, it’s important to recognize that you have many treatment options beyond the classic couch scenario, ones that aren’t mysterious, confusing, or interested in your mother.

  Most therapies teach a specific technique for dealing with well-defined problems and have measurable goals for managing despair, eating disorders, or obsessive-compulsive symptoms. Very few invite you to describe how you feel about everything, or how your poor dating habits might be due to losing your hamster in sixth grade.

  In any case, if you think you need therapy of any variety, there are simple ways to determine whether you need it, where to look, and whether it’s working. Keep in mind, however, that as varied as your treatment options are, and they are extremely varied (see sidebar at the end of this section), all are limited and none guarantee a cure. If you can ask questions and figure out costs and risks, however, you can get the best out of what even we think is your last resort.

  Here is what people wish mental-health treatment could provide (but it can’t):

  • A new you (or at least a you that you hate less than current you)

  • No more urges to do or say stupid, self-destructive things

  • A cure (to depression, anxiety, or most of life’s problems)

  • Better relationships (when the chemistry is bad and the other person is a jerk)

  Among the wishes people express are:

  • To get at the root of their problems

  • To stop feeling the way they do

  • To overcome depression and anxiety

  • To no longer feel like they have to do self-destructive things

  Here are three examples:

  I often feel somewhat depressed, and have for short periods since high school, but anxiety is what’s bothering me the most lately. I think it’s related to losing my boyfriend, but I don’t know if it means I choose the wrong kind of person and really need to explore why, or whether there’s something wrong with me that ruins relationships, or whether it’s part of a bigger problem that I’ve had since I was a teenager . . . all of which leads me to believe that I might need to talk to somebody. The problem is, even if my issues are worth talking out (and won’t just pass on their own, like they always eventually do), I don’t want to end up relying on drugs that make it impossible to feel anything. My goal is to figure out what kind of treatment I need, if any.


  I don’t think I need treatment, but my wife insists I do. She says I seem unhappy and depressed, and that I can be loud sometimes and intimidate people. Not her, clearly, but she worries about me and thinks it’s affecting the way people see me at work, and when I asked a coworker, he agreed that I seem angry and down sometimes. I trust what they’re telling me, but at the same time, I swear that I feel fine, and I’m never particularly cheery. I guess now that life has me a little stressed out for other reasons, I seem particularly sour, but I’m not sure a doctor can do anything about it. My goal is to figure out what they’re talking about and get help if it’s the right thing to do.

  My marriage hasn’t been going well since the kids arrived and nudged my husband to discover how much he likes to spend his evenings at the bar with his close, close drinking buddies. Still, I don’t want to break up our marriage without trying to fix it first, so I finally got him to go with me and see a couples therapist. He talks about how he feels that I nag and criticize him until getting out of the house is the only way to prevent a fight, and I talk about why I’m angry having to hold the bag and be the grown-up all the time. The therapist encourages us to air our feelings and has suggested to him that he really isn’t doing his job, but he doesn’t get it and says we need to find a new therapist who takes his side instead of mine. So couples therapy really isn’t working, but I’m still not ready to give up. My goal is to figure out why it’s not working and whether we should continue or find another therapist (who doesn’t take sides, period).