F*ck Feelings Read online

  • A powerful court-mandated moderator who stops people from acting badly

  • A guarantee that, no matter what you and your ex decide, your children will love you and not be scarred for life

  Among the wishes people express are:

  • To stop their spouse from making unfair claims and allegations

  • To get their child to see they had good reasons to leave

  • To stop their child from acting like a jerk with them or their new partner

  • To get their partner to stop leaning over backward for her kids

  Here are three examples:

  My new wife is good with kids, and she’s not particularly negative about my ten-year-old son from my first marriage, but he loathed her before he even met her, and being around her just made him even more hateful. I think it’s partly because he blames her for the divorce (even though I didn’t even meet her until long after the divorce was final) and the fact that I’ll never get back together with his mother. In the meantime, he’s unbelievably rude to her and says he doesn’t want to visit me when she’s around. My goal is to make their relationship work so it doesn’t interfere with my being his father.

  My wife and I weren’t getting along for a long time, so when she told me it was over and I had to move out, I just did what she said because I didn’t want to fight her anymore. Unfortunately, she must have assumed I would come back, because after I left, she became even angrier and began blaming me for everything, which is why my kids now hate me. They used to have a great relationship with me, but now they blame me for the divorce and ruining their mother’s life. They’re rude and act like I’m their jailer when I have custody; everything I do annoys them and they’re counting the seconds until they can go home, even though I bend over backward until my head scrapes the ground. My goal is to get back a positive relationship, but I don’t know how.

  I love my husband, but I didn’t realize until we married that he can’t say no to his bratty kids from his first marriage. I never expected them to like me (and they’re out of the house, so thankfully, they don’t have to), but I was determined to be patient and get to know them. What bothers me is that he’s so totally responsive to their needs, whether they want him to cancel lots of plans, arbitrarily change the date of a visit, or give them extra money (outside of the generous divorce agreement), so that it negatively affects our life together. I get mad at them, but I know it’s really his fault for letting them walk all over him. My goal is to get him to stop being such a wuss about his kids before it destroys our marriage.

  If a team is only as strong as its weakest member, then a divorced team is only as amicable as its angriest ex. One partner can do her best to tolerate the kids’ multiple loyalties and create stability in a new home, but if a former spouse or kids are bad-mouthing her, the settlement, or the new partner, then working for the best will lose out to the person acting the worst.

  That’s when divorce-surviving parents must accept chronic anger and potentially nasty behavior as part of the package, at least in the short term, if they are to retain their confidence and manage their new family successfully. If at least one person involved can’t hold their shit together, then the family won’t hold together, either.

  Most kids like their parents’ new spouses as much as they like shots, liver, and standardized tests, so if you can’t stop your child from hating your new partner, don’t be surprised, don’t take it personally, and don’t get too defensive, even if your new partner has no reason to like your child, and it shows. You can offer your sympathy, but any decent stepparent understands that it’s a difficult adjustment for everyone involved.

  Certainly, you can try to hear your kid out and give him a chance to talk about his resentment with a shrink if you think it will be constructive and not just a chance to bitch and fuel hatred. If treatment, mediation, and understanding don’t work, however, accept the fact that their relationship is both terrible and out of your control. You can have them both in your life, but only if you create rules for good behavior, enforce them with your child, and encourage them with your new spouse. Buy yourself a striped shirt, because you’re going to be a ref.

  Create simple rules for respectful behavior, similar to what would apply in school if child and teacher didn’t like each other but had to work together, and spell out your penalties. Rules include answering questions politely, not being rude, and not refusing reasonable requests. Enforce them without negative feeling. Buy a whistle if necessary.

  You can’t make the nastiness stop, but you can be confident in your belief that, the more they both avoid negative feelings and treat each other decently, the sooner they will be happier in their new home. Besides, if they both bristle under your authority, then they’ll at least have something to build common ground on.

  If you’re the target of your child’s divorce rage and the usual interventions aren’t working, don’t bend over backward or get defensive. Presumably you had good reasons to divorce and you made a settlement with your ex that you believe is fair. Trying too hard to appease or defend yourself makes you seem guilty for doing something wrong (like staying married to someone who hates you).

  Your interest in your child hasn’t changed and your insistence on visitation is not to control your child’s loyalty but to do your job as a parent. So again, spell out a positive moral vision. It’s right for you to share the job of caring for and guiding your child, even if your child doesn’t like you (and even if you don’t like your child). You can make life better, provide a good place to live, and do good things together.

  While it’s hard to live and work with family when you’re not getting along, it’s important in life to learn how to move forward when feelings are negative. In the long run, negative feelings often fade if you’re working well together and feel like you’re growing and getting somewhere. Just having confidence that things can get better is enough to create actual improvement.

  Share your justified disappointment and anger with friends or a shrink, but not with your child; any obvious negative feelings toward your kid will just justify his negative feelings toward you. Parenting includes many thankless tasks, even when the parents aren’t divorced, and providing reasonable parenting under tense conditions is one of them.

  If the fallout of divorce isn’t just persistent anger but also the way a parent’s pushover tendencies can leave his new partner out in the cold, then there’s no solution for you, the new partner, unless the pushover parent sees the problem.

  Yes, you should ask a shrink or some other respected, neutral party to confirm your impression and validate your needs. Then, together, you can deliver a positively toned warning to the bad-boundaried parent and ask him whether he sees any reason to change.

  As the new partner, don’t spend too much time talking about your anger or apologize for feeling needy if you think your needs are reasonable and unmet. Otherwise, your overly reactive spouse will try to make you feel better by giving you a little more attention and love, perpetuating the problem instead of admitting that there’s a problem in the first place. Instead, urge your spouse to learn to say no, not just to make you happy, but to become a stronger parent.

  Make specific suggestions about limits that need to be set and positive ways for announcing them, describing the benefits in terms of less-spoiled kids and a happier partnership. Then sit back and assess progress by what happens, not by what’s promised in order to soothe your worries away.

  Parenting is always a team sport, even if the marriage ends, but divorce can cause problems that neither you nor your teammates may ever be able to resolve. If, however, you’re careful to take responsibility for nothing more than offering good parenting, and you’re willing to tolerate persistent conflict and hostility, you can be proud of the job you’re doing as a parent, even if it seems like a losing game.

  Quick Diagnosis

  Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:

  • The ability to get your postdivorce family t
o act reasonably

  • An end to being held responsible for major family unhappiness

  • Kids who don’t feel they have a right and obligation to punish you and/or your new spouse

  Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:

  • To offer and provide good parenting, regardless of nastiness

  • To put limits on bad behavior after figuring out what it’s really about and trying to be understanding

  • To be a good parent of a kid who claims to be a political prisoner in your home

  • To find time to build a new partnership despite demanding, needy kids

  Here’s how you can do it:

  • Accept and learn how to live with grievances after all the usual attempts to address them (patience, sympathy, understanding, shrink visits) haven’t worked

  • Don’t take grievances personally or let them influence your management decisions

  • Envision a positive goal for your parenting, even if your relationship with your child can’t feel positive

  • Set limits on bad behavior, as distinct from bad feelings

  • Respect the challenge you’re facing and your achievement in persisting

  Your Script

  Here’s what to say to kids and current and ex–family members who can’t stop fighting with you or one another after a divorce.

  Dear [Child/Ex/New Partner/Innocent Bystanders/Busy Lawyers and Therapists],

  I can understand how divorce sparked a [conflict/blood feud/personal hatred], but at this point I don’t think continued [talk/mediation/airing of grievances] will improve the [synonym for “shit show”]. I’m going to see my [kids/new partner/ex-dog] within whatever agreement the court authorizes, and I will be patient and avoid [small battles/pissing contests/smashing windshields], both with my kids and my ex. I will not, however, let any major bad behavior happen without trying to prevent it from [happening/erupting/getting the neighbor to call the cops] again. I believe I can provide a good, secure home and be a good parent in spite of anger and unhappiness.

  There are many positive ways to manage parenting problems, but most require you to keep your cool, which is almost impossible if you feel totally responsible, which, for the first twentyish years, you legally are. Dedicate the same amount of time to developing your child’s skills and potential as you do to meditating on the things that you and your child can’t accomplish and shouldn’t feel responsible for. Then teach your child how to do the same. Whether or not you can raise a kid you can be proud of, take pride in tolerating what you can’t change and doing the best with what you’ve both got.

  chapter nine

  fuck assholes

  Contrary to everything you’ve heard from preachers, alcohol counselors, and characters in angel-themed TV programs, certain bad people can’t stop themselves from being bad. Sure, in an ideal world, everyone is endowed with the ability to make moral choices. In this world, however, these guys aren’t. They’re the source of many problems that drive people to seek treatment, which is why they get a chapter all to themselves.

  We call them Assholes with a capital A (and on our website, we jokingly add a ™, but it turns out you can’t do that in a book, because lawyers take ™s seriously). It’s not an insult, but a technical term emphasizing the fact that they are who they are; there’s no changing them and their attacks aren’t personal, even though they mean them personally, because, not surprisingly, anyone who gets close to an Asshole will eventually get shit on. There’s every good reason to give them a wide berth, for they are as the lord made them, just like rattlesnakes, tsunamis, and acne.

  You could also call them psychopaths or say they have bad, borderline, or narcissistic personality disorders, or other fancy, multisyllabic names, but those words imply more, take longer to spit out, and say less. Simply put, an Asshole is someone who behaves like a jerk and doesn’t see it. These aren’t people you call Assholes because you’re angry; they’re Assholes because of the specific way they behave. Where you see moral choices and harmful consequences, Assholes see disrespect, intense needs, and the right to defend themselves against injury and injustice every time those needs are frustrated.

  If you’re forced to live or deal with an Asshole every day, you’ll probably have strong feelings about them. This may prompt you to seek help from the appropriate professional. If that professional isn’t a hit man, you will be tempted to find a way to help said Asshole or, even better, get him help from a shrink.

  While many seem to believe that shrinks have a special technique for taming Assholes and getting them to see the light—Asshole whisperers, as it were—no one has such powers. Most people attempt to be Asshole screamers, which is even worse. The sooner you learn that all attempts to change Assholes are futile (at any volume), the sooner you’ll be able to live with Assholes in your day-to-day life.

  After all, those who do have Assholes in their lives know from experience that no matter how many times you try, nothing helpful you or anyone else has said or done has made a bit of difference (except possibly a negative one). In actuality, Assholes never come to see shrinks except to complain about being traumatized and mistreated, often by their prior (equally powerless) shrinks. Shrinks take consolation, however, in the huge business generated from an Asshole’s friends, neighbors, family, lovers, contractors, ex-therapists, etc. Aside from therapists, Assholes are also owed a huge debt of gratitude from lawyers, the communications industry, and the casting directors for any number of shows on Bravo and MTV.

  You might think that nobody would get close to an Asshole on purpose, but the problem is, Assholes are often attractive (just ask any dog, har har). Intense emotions are attractive, even when they’re ugly, and Assholes, like crazy people (and “crazy women”—see chapter 6), convey so much raw emotion that (a) it’s like living in your own personal telenovela, and (b) they seem like tragic victims. When they turn to us non-Assholes for help and shower us with praise, one can’t help but be sucked in.

  Assholes offer us a chance to step into their drama and play a role—hero, victim, unjustly accused, you name it—without the need for talent or a ticket. In addition, they’re naturally less inhibited by doubts and second thoughts than the rest of us so they speak with more confidence and conviction. Unfortunately, after initially being your best friend/indebted admirer, Assholes tend to graduate you to their enemies list (or at least force you to listen to their enemies list, the length of which should serve as a huge red flag).

  If you’re asking yourself whether you’re an Asshole, don’t; Assholes don’t ask themselves whether they’re Assholes. They know the problem is other people. Most of us act like assholes (no capital) sometimes, but try not to. This is part of being human and a good reason for getting help from shrinks, church, spin class, or whatever works for you. Many of us are possessed by instincts that sometimes turn us into assholes, but we work all our lives to keep those urges in check. Exorcism only works in the movies, but therapies of various kinds can make us stronger at keeping the inner demons from coming out, one day at a time.

  Accepting the fact that you’re dealing with an Asshole means giving up the hope that you can change their bad behavior with love, reason, therapy, or a talking-to of either the “come to Jesus” or “go to hell” variety. It also means accepting whatever pain and lack of control goes with that bad behavior. Once you do so, however, you will be able to stop useless conflicts and rescue attempts. You’ll improve your ability to manage their bad behavior as effectively as possible. Assholes can’t be saved, but your sanity can.

  Fucked by Your Nearest and Dearest Asshole

  It’s hard to describe how violating it can feel to be fucked by an Asshole—first of all, it seems both disgusting and biologically impossible, and second, it often involves hearty helpings of betrayal, drama, lies, and everything that makes for great daytime soaps and terrible real-life situations. Most of the Assholes you encounter in life aren’t the cold-fish Dexters or Madoffs whom you migh
t slowly grow to trust after initially being very skeptical; in real life, Assholes’ selfishness is stealthy and covered by deceiving warmth.

  That means, in addition to dealing with the actual legal or practical impact of the bad things Assholes say and do when the relationship inevitably goes south, you suffer severe loss, begin to mistrust yourself, and cling to the belief that you should be able to straighten things out—if you could only find the right words to recover your old relationship.

  It’s hard to describe the experience because it seems so unbelievable, but when it happens to you, it’s very real, and all too painful. Both Assholes and their wrath, like snowflakes and actual tuchuses, come in all shapes and sizes, but the steps to recovering from a run-in are comfortingly similar.

  Here’s how you can tell your trusted best friend is really an Asshole:

  • All your reasonable efforts to swallow your anger and pride and reestablish communication after a disagreement have failed, or made things worse

  • You realize all those bad people who hurt and betrayed your friend before she met you might not actually be so bad

  • Her understanding of current events is all about what you did wrong, and not necessarily accurate or self-referential

  • She’s prepared to say and do things that will harm her as well as you in order to get “justice,” usually of the biblical variety (wrath, hellfire, etc.)

  Among the wishes people express when they write to us or come for post-Asshole treatment are:

  • To understand how a former best friend could become so mean and impossible to talk to

  • To get back the relationship they once had

  • To get through to someone who was once so close

  • To get her to stop

  Here are some examples:

  My business partner turned out to be a total asshole. At the beginning, we clicked perfectly. We had the same approach and he seemed highly motivated and receptive to my business plan. As long as we were doing well, we were a really great team and close friends. When the recession hit, he kept on taking money out of the business and denying it. When I confronted him with the evidence, he said I was doing the same thing and that he deserved a bonus for working harder than I did, both of which were untrue and which I can prove. Since then, he’s bad-mouthed me to our associates and even accused me of stealing, which ruins our joint business, as well as my reputation. My goal is to get him to stop before his nasty lies destroy everything.