F*ck Feelings Page 27

  Don’t downplay the value of learning, but encourage your child by reminding him that many people learn more effectively after they leave school because their brains learn better by doing, not by sitting and reading. As long as he’s found something he’s good at and loves to do (and that thing is legal, nonaddictive, and can lead to a paycheck), then there’s no reason to torture your family by trying to talk him out of it.

  Meanwhile, keep your disappointment to yourself. If you want to bring out the best in your child, you don’t have to force yourself to love him for who he is, but you do have to act as if you do, and stay positive. If you want to prevent conflict from dragging you both down, then it’s time to give up whatever plan for him you had in mind.

  If conflict arises from competing loyalties and commitments, asserting your right as family leader to determine priorities will probably backfire. You may be right, for instance, to resent the mean, unjustified, disruptive influence of a child’s spouse. The cliché is that mothers-in-law are evil, but many begin their reign of terror by being a pain to their husband’s parents (and maybe also their parents, as well as any human in earshot).

  Once you’ve done your best to eliminate misunderstanding and establish a better relationship with this spouse, however, you have to face the fact, if strife continues, that it’s beyond your control, your expectations must change, and expressing your real feelings is bound to push your son away from you and into his wife’s insane arms.

  Instead of trying to win your child back to your side, or protesting the loss of trust, stop expecting the usual easy communication and happy participation in family life you always hoped for. Instead, accept your loss and prevent it from getting worse by treating criticism and boycotts diplomatically, as differences that you’re always willing to tolerate, even if you often disagree.

  The more outrageous the criticism you receive, the less reason to take it to heart. Yes, it hurts to hear it from your child’s lips, but that’s the nature of his or her marriage, not the nature of your relationship or a reflection on your job as a parent. A good parent can have a child who chooses a crappy spouse, a decision over which you have no control.

  If you’re too quick to express yourself with your kids when you’re hurt or angry, and your openness makes you a welcome addition to any poker game, learn how to keep your mouth shut and assess the reasons for conflict with your child. Sometimes you’ll find a solution, but more often you’ll find the causes of friction are due to outside forces that require the skills of a good lawyer, hostage negotiator, or magician, but not a good parent. At that point, it’s time to accept that conflict, along with the need to manage and endure it, is now just a part of the family.

  Quick Diagnosis

  Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:

  • The kid you used to know

  • Your old authority, trust, and shared values

  • Freedom to speak spontaneously without stirring up misunderstanding

  • Spontaneous friendliness rather than careful feeling management

  Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:

  • Learn not to respond to small provocations

  • Set limits when necessary, while smiling

  • Blame no one for the undeserved painfulness of your relationship

  Here’s how you can do it:

  • Try everything you and others have thought about to ease conflict and reduce misunderstanding

  • Accept unavoidable conflict, even if you have to live with it for years

  • Set limits when necessary, without letting legitimate disappointment and moral disapproval make them negative or pessimistic

  • Find strengths in disappointing differences

  • Don’t attack differences in values or loyalties that you can’t change

  • Respect rather than lament the extra effort this parenting requires

  Your Script

  Here’s what to tell your child/yourself when you’re unable to talk freely without quarreling.

  Dear [Self/Dearest, Impossible Child],

  I can’t listen to your [sweet voice/provocative arguments/dumb excuses] without wondering whether you’re [thinking this through/brought up by someone else/part of an elaborate prank], but I know you process information in your own [flawed/deranged/unique] way, and that a degree of [misunderstanding/conflict/loathing] is unavoidable. I will work hard to avoid [nasty statements/bitter regrets/the temptation to abandon you in a Walmart parking lot] and stay positive while we get through this difficult [antonym for “love fest”] together.

  Raising a Jerk

  When you see a toddler having an epic tantrum in the airport, or a teenage girl on the street with her tush hanging out of her shorts, or even a college guy outside of a bar having a tantrum that would rival the toddler’s, it’s tempting to wonder what kind of parents would let humans turn out this way.

  The irony, of course, is that they might be the good kind of parents. They just have the wrong (or just young, stupid, or drunk) kind of kid.

  Logic may dictate that good work yields good results, but in the world of parenting, the logic of cause and effect is often nonexistent. Being truly deserving of a “World’s Best Mommy” mug doesn’t guarantee that you’ll wind up with a respectful, friendly relationship with good kids, just a new vessel for your coffee.

  Of course, if your kid is turning out badly, there’s much that can be done to attempt to reverse course. You have power to limit some bad behaviors and reward good ones, provide incentives to keep busy, and give him or her good coaching. These methods are often helpful at getting a kid back on track or, at the very least, keeping him out of jail.

  When good interventions don’t work, however, don’t assume that either your parenting or your kid’s will is to blame. It may seem like your child chooses to be bad or make “bad decisions,” but more likely, there’s something wrong inside of him, and you, the school, and the therapists, from the bleeding hearts to the tough-love types, just don’t have the answer.

  Maybe time, hard knocks, and neurodevelopment will help in the end, but for the time being, the situation, like your kid, is out of your control and unpleasant to be around.

  There’s a certain freedom in knowing that, despite the lack of results, you’ve done your best. At that point, you don’t have to repeat treatments that haven’t worked, protective sacrifices that aren’t effective, or efforts that expose your family to harm for no good reason. Now you can use your helplessness to be more helpful, knowing you’re managing any parent’s worst nightmare while feeling secure that you’re not the nightmare parent behind it all.

  Here’s what should be shaping your kid’s character, but isn’t:

  • Your own good example, perfect religious school attendance, and residency in a neighborhood with impeccable lawns

  • All those vegetables, vitamins, and SAT books you made him consume

  • A shit-your-pants scared-straight experience that involves not just prisoners but angry bears and hypnosis

  Among the wishes people express are:

  • To understand what went wrong

  • To figure out how to improve their parenting in order to improve their child

  • To change a child’s choices

  • To get help, treatment, a rescue (as if there was help that was likely to be helpful)

  • To reach, inspire, and motivate with better ideals

  Here are three examples:

  I’ve lost all confidence in my sixteen-year-old son and none of the teachers or counselors at his school has been able to get through to him or get him off the path of flunking out. He steals anything in this house he can get his hands on so he can get money to buy drugs, and then insists he didn’t do it. If the drugs weren’t dangerous enough, he once passed out while making mac and cheese and almost burned the house down. He also took out the car without permission and crashed it into a tree in our driveway. We don’t have the money to send him to a therapeutic
boarding school, and insurance sure won’t cover it, so we’re helpless to watch him suffer and we suffer along with him. My goal is to figure out how to help him before he really hurts himself or, God forbid, someone else.

  After the fifth time my teen daughter was caught stealing from the same store, they decided to press charges, and I can’t blame them. No matter how hard my wife and I try to get through to her about her shoplifting—lectures, punishment, rage—nothing seems to work. We sent her to therapy, but that was also useless. She just insists that she can’t help herself. Now her stealing has gotten her a court date, but I know she’s not going to show up unless my wife and I force her into the car and take her there, which is time I have to take off work, which is time I need since I have no idea how we’re going to pay for a lawyer. My goal is to help her avoid getting convicted and having a record, then figure out how to get her to stop stealing ever again.

  From the time my son was little, he’s always had anger problems, and he’s been in therapy off and on since he was five. He can be a charming, loving guy, but when something goes wrong, his eyes just go dark and he rages like he’s possessed. Afterward, he’s very sorry and ashamed, but he still really sees his anger as the fault of whoever upset him. He’s gotten arrested a couple of times for bar fights, but our lawyer was able to get the charges down to a fine and probation. We were relieved when he got married last year because it seemed like he’d finally grown up and calmed down, but now his wife is beginning to look scared and I’ve spotted a couple bruises. My goal is for my wife and me to figure out how to help him control himself before he really hurts her or anyone else and ruins his life.

  When you know or care for someone who’s falling into bad habits (addiction, uncontrolled anger, an intense new fitness routine), getting them help is never easy. When that troubled someone is your child, figuring out how to help him becomes nearly impossible, or about as hard as he’ll find getting clean, calm, or away from CrossFit.

  That’s because even though you feel that you’re ultimately responsible for this person and their well-being, your actual power to help has limits. Meanwhile, you’ll feel a limitless amount of pain if you can’t get your child the right help and he ends up shuffled off to jail, into foster care, or off this mortal coil.

  Then your pain is compounded by the fact that the person you feel totally responsible for saving is acting like a petulant, selfish, combative garbage monster from hell; aka, the human you want to help the least. If nothing works, however, good parents must sometimes accept the possibility that, despite worthy attempts, bad behavior and rotten character aren’t going to change any time soon.

  At that point, you must acknowledge your inability to protect your child from the consequences of his actions and do what you can to protect yourself and others without giving up any values, love, and willingness to help when new opportunities arise. Unfortunately, the simplest and easiest conclusion is also the hardest to come to terms with.

  If a kid’s behavior threatens a family’s safety, and intensive treatments, like hospitalization and moderate-risk medication, haven’t made a difference, parents may do more harm than good by seeking better treatment and not giving first priority to protecting their family. Parents often say they’d take a bullet for their kids, but you shouldn’t be willing to take one from them.

  Spell out what you consider dangerous, unacceptable behavior that may, at least temporarily, force you to withdraw your welcome. Find out what your child’s residential options are, given his or her age and the availability of public resources controlled by schools, courts, child protective services, state mental health services, and homeless shelters. Get advice and, hopefully, cooperation from local police.

  Make a plan without letting guilt, fear, or a global sense of responsibility force you to compromise or blaming yourself, your child, or others for what he’s doing and what he’s become. If you can’t protect your child from bad behaviors, limit the damage.

  If a parent’s prior attempts to defend, intervene, and treat a child’s repeated criminal behavior have been unable to protect that child from doing something to get a record as an adult, a good parent may decide it’s better to let the full weight of the law fall where it may.

  While you might feel like such a parent would have to be heartless, the fact is, good parents don’t always have good options, especially when all the best ones haven’t worked. When you can’t help your kid and she won’t help herself, letting life do its own cruel teaching is all you have left. There’s no better way to let your child know that responsibility for managing bad behavior—if it can be managed—belongs with her than to make clear it doesn’t rest with you or other helpers.

  Be sympathetic as you talk about how hard it is to control bad habits, and how hard jail might be. If your child blames you for abandonment, reassure her that you’ll never stop caring or trying to help. The most important thing right now, however, is not to avoid fears of abandonment but to stop being a thief who can’t stay out of trouble.

  A violent adult kid is your worst-case scenario, and can happen in spite of many years of therapy, medication trials, and legal interventions. It’s a parent’s job not just to get their child access to any and every possible treatment but to be realistic and not cling to false hope about the therapeutic potential of interventions that have already proven ineffective. Instead of searching for more help or a deeper sharing, accept the risk of violence as unavoidable and decide how it should be managed.

  If you feel threatened, avoid confrontation, refuse contact, and request help from the police as necessary. If you think the risk of violence is escalating, either against you or anyone else, ask yourself whether a brief stay in a hospital will restore calm or whether jail would be better.

  Refuse to listen to your child’s pain if it’s used to justify violent behavior, and don’t talk about what will make him feel better. His feelings are not all that important compared to what will happen if violence gets out of control; if your son is acting like a monster, you can’t put protecting the monster ahead of protecting everyone around him who’s now in danger.

  Regardless of good parenting and all the help in the world, some kids can’t stop acting like bad people and doing bad things that are dangerous to themselves, their families, and others. Parents who understand and accept when treatment and good loving can’t help are better able to protect their families and the out-of-control child, even when the threat is from the out-of-control child. Your responsibility to save your child may feel endless, but in reality, it ends when your options do.

  Quick Diagnosis

  Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:

  • An explanation of what went wrong and why

  • An assurance that treatment, if done right, will help

  • A technique that will allow you to control your child’s dangerous behavior

  • A safety net for your child that doesn’t require you to create one for yourself

  • A way to keep your child’s record clean without sullying the lives of others

  Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:

  • Learn enough about helpful interventions to know when there’s nothing else left to try

  • Fight undeserved feelings of blame and responsibility

  • Balance your responsibility to keep your family safe against your responsibility to rescue a child

  • Accept helplessness now without ever giving up hope for the future

  Here’s how you can do it:

  • Find out everything you can about treatments, interventions, and sources of funding

  • With your partner, decide how much risk you can tolerate at home, including harm to your child, family, and others

  • Take desperate measures if necessary, weighing the risk of treatment against what will happen otherwise

  • Without sounding helpless, declare yourself helpless when you see no new intervention that will help

  • Limit your r
esponsibility for managing unsafe situations while trying to pass responsibility to those with the resources

  Your Script

  Here’s what to say about your child’s persistently dangerous behavior.

  Dear Child [you can show this to your friends/therapist/probation officer],

  I can’t help feeling that you could stop [drugging/lying/stealing my jewelry] while dragging your family into endless debt to [bail bondsmen/therapists/lawyers/injured victims] but I’ve watched you respond to [come-to-Jesus/come-to-Krishna/go to hell/thirty days of twelve-step/prayer/hexes] and nothing is working. I know we’ve done our best and I believe you have also, but you can’t stay home if you [steal/sell drugs/punch]. I can’t provide you with another place to stay, but I’ll try to help you find alternatives, like [list places; e.g., “not this house”]. In the long run, I hope you’ll become a strong, honest person and that’s what matters most. Good luck.

  Stages of Child Development: When Your Child Is Likely to Be a Huge Asshole to You

  Ages

  Stage

  Asshole Behavior

  2–4

  Toddler

  Stubborn, self-righteous, and prone to tantrums, especially when it pertains to the right to shit his own pants.

  12–18

  Teen

  Obnoxious, moody, and so antagonistic that you can’t tell who’s more terrible: her for how she’s acting, or you for trying to plan the perfect murder.

  22–26

  Pre-Adult

  Broke, self-important, and confident in his independence and self-worth, even though he’s still on your phone plan and has eight roommates.

  30–45

  Midlife

  Mopey, resentful, and maybe still broke. And exhausted because she’s potty training your grandchild and the turd doesn’t fall far from the tree.