F*ck Feelings Page 18

  You may miss your shunner and want to reconcile, or you may be afraid of them and want to move behind a security fence. In any case, you never know, day to day, whether you’re going to run into them and be reminded of enmity you just can’t stop.

  If you expect eventually to find a solution, you won’t stop trying to find an effective answer, and everything you do will make things worse. If you accept the fact that life sometimes imposes indefinite enmity on you, then you’re ready to learn how to endure it for as long as necessary without breaking, feeling you’ve failed, or becoming a heel/Trump and learning to love it too much.

  Here are telltale signs that reconciliation is highly improbable:

  • A call to ask what you did wrong leads you to discover that the number’s been changed (as has their address, and legal name)

  • An attempt to just talk it all out leads to an attempt on your life

  • An apology bought you five weeks of peace (better than the last one, which only bought five days)

  • The declaration that you don’t want to pick sides has landed you outside, and the door is locked

  Among the wishes people express are:

  • To get their ex–best friend to see they did nothing wrong

  • To get someone they love to listen

  • To stop a personal war they have no interest in continuing

  • To stop the pain of being hated by someone they love

  Here are three examples:

  When my brother stopped talking to me, it felt like I lost my best friend. His decision was unexpected and I think it was because his wife decided she hated me. I can’t think of him without wanting to pick up the phone and find some way to resolve the problem, even if I don’t know what I’d be apologizing for, and we can probably never be close friends again. I wish he’d just tell me what this is about, but he never explained and he won’t answer my calls. My goal is to find a way to restore contact since I’ve got absolutely no hostility and every wish to get my brother back.

  I know I had to divorce my husband because he was a mean drug addict, but that didn’t stop the trouble. Periodically he tells the police I’ve violated our divorce agreement and sounds so convincing that I have to answer in court, and even though the cases get thrown out again and again, he won’t stop trying. Every time I’ve just about stopped thinking about him, he does something to make me hate him again, which is the opposite of what I need. My goal is to get him to stop picking fights with me, because until he does, I can’t get on with my life.

  For ten years, I had a book club with a group of my closest friends from college, since we all ended up in the same city. I always looked forward to our meetings, which were basically just excuses to drink wine, gossip, and laugh. Then, a few months ago, I don’t know what happened or who offended whom, but suddenly there were two groups who hated one another, and I had to take sides. I want war with no one—these women are all friends with me, even if some of them aren’t friends with each other anymore—but the group won’t allow neutrality. My goal is to stay at peace and not lose one or both groups of my closest friends.

  Most people know that if you find out you’re the object of someone’s romantic interest, it’s important to stop and consider whether the feelings of your newfound sweetie are worth taking seriously. After all, it’s nice if somebody is into you, but not if they’re really just interested in your car, tush, or bank account.

  What fewer people realize, however, is that you have to stop and apply the same level of skepticism to angry overtures as you do to affectionate ones. Whether someone has the hots for you or has it out for you, an initial assessment is required.

  So before you leap to react to somebody’s grudge, judge your behavior by your own standards. Form your own opinion about whether you really did something wrong before you decide whether you deserve his anger, and what response he deserves in kind, whether it be a slew of apology bouquets or a silent shrug.

  Then, regardless of what others say (or don’t say, if they freeze you out), you know whether somebody’s anger is something you can or should do anything about, without needing to argue, change a mind, or feel validated.

  If you failed to live up to your values, make amends. If, however, you know you haven’t done anything wrong, then make peace with the fact you’re screwed; if somebody decides seemingly arbitrarily to dislike you, even if that person is your brother, then you just have to wait for them to arbitrarily decide not to dislike you anymore. In other words, if you had no direct influence on changing his mind in the first place, then don’t expect to have any influence on changing it back.

  Sure, your brother’s silence may be due to pressure from his wife, but it also may be due to a head injury or his zodiac sign; what’s important is that you know his decision isn’t really personal or deserved, so accept his behavior and decide whether you wish to leave open the far distant possibility of a relationship. If so, keep texting him when your team wins, or forward him occasional funny emails, as long as there’s no expectation of a reply, no mention of strong feelings, and no political humor emails, because that’s asking for trouble.

  If it’s not him but his wife who hates you, and you’re careful to stop addressing issues or expressing pain, distress, or anguish, he may be glad, eventually, to say hello at neutral gatherings. Sometime down the line, events and positive feelings will push you back into casual contact, but be aware that hatred could return just as randomly as it went away.

  Then there are enemies, usually exes who are often into harmful substances, who feel they have very good reasons for punishing you and yearn to know how much their hatred hurts you, so they know you care. They don’t want to get even with you so much as they want a response, because their new addiction is your strong emotion; if you fight back and let them have it with all guns blazing, they’re getting what they need.

  Before spending money on a therapist to help you deal with your rage or trying to have a heart-to-heart with your ex to resolve things, get a lawyer, preferably one who will tell you to get your head out of your ass (or get a restraining order). Once you change your perspective, then change your locks, and stop answering your phone.

  Know what challenges you’re legally obliged to respond to—e.g., about kids and alimony—and respond only when necessary, briefly, and politely, using both email and restraint when it comes to sharing anything but basic information. Then, if you have money left over, ask a therapist to help you develop scripted responses to your ex, so you can fulfill the basic requirements for communication but not his need to feed on your emotional blood.

  If it’s a group of friends who are freezing you out, you’ve got the bad luck to have friends who are part of a close, mutually connected group. Whether it’s at a club or workplace, you’re in big trouble if the politics go nuclear; nobody wants to hurt you, but everyone will cut you out (and hurt you) if you don’t take their side for seemingly no reason.

  That’s when you find out who your true friends are (they’re the ones who still speak to you, because the bar gets set pretty low). In any case, you need new friends, because unless you’re living in a full-time, adult summer camp, this behavior is not okay.

  Since neutrality is your only option—again, if you didn’t directly cause the rift, you can’t do anything to repair it—be prepared for your Swiss status to leave you isolated and unannexed as the war continues. However sad your loss is, it teaches you why it’s good to move on from high school cliques, even if it takes a while, and make friends one at a time.

  When you realize a relationship can’t be repaired, don’t torture yourself by trying to figure out why or finding a new approach. Make sure you’re clear with your own conscience, and then learn to live with a broken bond.

  Don’t expect to end the pain of not being at peace with those who’ve become your enemies. If you can accept rejection, however, and wait for those who love you for the right reasons and don’t hate you for the wrong ones, you can be at peace with
yourself.

  Quick Diagnosis

  Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:

  • A chance to communicate

  • A good response from negotiation

  • A way to reclaim your old relationship

  • Relief from feeling dumped, shunned, or worse

  Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:

  • A belief in your own conduct

  • Behavior that doesn’t make conflict worse

  • Protection from additional damage

  • A policy that allows reconciliation but doesn’t beg for it

  Here’s how you can do it:

  • Judge your behavior by your own standards

  • Don’t keep trying what clearly hasn’t worked

  • Accept enmity if you must and start to protect yourself

  • Stop emotional communication but keep the door open if you decide it’s worthwhile

  • Remind yourself that rejection is never a punishment if you don’t deserve it

  • Respect the effort it takes to force yourself to move on

  Your Script

  Here’s what to say about being unavoidably rejected.

  Dear [Self/Remaining Friends/Rejecters (If They’re Listening and Not Just Heckling What I Have to Say)],

  I have tried to reconcile by [trying to understand/explaining/groveling/keeping my temper/truly giving a damn] and it clearly hasn’t worked. I will not make myself responsible for doing things I don’t consider [wrong/harmful/in poor taste], regardless of whether they cause a permanent [insert synonym for “deep chasm”], I will accept a loss I can’t help, and I will learn to protect myself by [not begging/not sharing/not making significant eye or voice contact]. I will respect myself for retaining my self-respect in the face of rejection.

  Did You Know . . . That There’s a (Relatively) Nice Way to Cut Someone Out of Your Life?

  While being shunned or spurned by someone you care about is always painful, there are ways to push someone out of your life that aren’t dramatic or traumatic. It’s like the difference between having an appendectomy in a hospital, and having someone cut your gut open with the neck of a malt liquor bottle in the garden shed; you can get the same result with a fraction of the suffering.

  Besides, dramatic shunnings are usually mean and ill-intentioned; it’s much easier to push someone out of your life, and find nice ways of doing it, if your reasons are well thought out and benign.

  For example, you may decide a friend is too high maintenance, or discover that, as much as you like her, you can’t trust her. Assuming you’re wise enough to realize she’s not going to change and that talking about the issue will do nothing but cause hurt, your only option is to back away while doing your best to be respectful.

  So instead of planning a grand confrontation (or letting yourself get so irritated you have one by accident), do a slow fade and gradually make yourself less available, claiming it’s due to pressing business, not a personal beef. Don’t assume it’s good to have a talk unless it’s unavoidable; your goal is to painlessly downgrade your friendship without calling attention or causing hurt.

  If confronted, be truthful but not emotional. You can tell her she’s right, you’ve put other priorities higher, and as much as you wish you could give your relationship the same time as you used to, you can’t, not because you’re angry or hurt but because it’s unavoidable.

  Keep to yourself the fact that, in this case, events are also driven by a decision for which you take responsibility, because sharing your reasons will open up an impossible discussion and cause unnecessary hurt. Just because you’ve made a conscious decision doesn’t mean that any one person is to blame; you’re ending things because you believe it’s best for you both. Eventually, your former friend will call and email less, and while she may harbor some resentment, you have no reason to fear running into her, or she you.

  If you keep the separation impersonal, you’re rejecting the friendship, not the friend. As far as cutting someone out of your life goes, it’s the safest, most sterile technique, and it leaves the smallest scar.

  As pleasant as serenity feels—if you ever have the good luck to experience it—don’t seek it too hard. There are so many situations in which it’s a false, unrealistic, impossible goal that will give you a headache and drive you to ever-more-strenuous and prolonged efforts to still your mind and improve your spirit. Once you accept your inability to feel serene, as well as the fears, stresses, and difficult relationships that you can’t escape, you’ll become more effective at dealing with them and proud of how well you do it. Better to give up on peace of mind and focus on the small piece of your mind that still works.

  chapter six

  fuck love

  Love is supposed to be the antithesis of hate and the ultimate solution to all of life’s problems, so it’s natural to idealize it, market it, and make finding it your life’s goal. Anything that’s strange, conquers all, and is Jesus’s idea of what you should do to your neighbor as you would to yourself must truly be, well, all you need.

  In actuality, love and hate aren’t that dissimilar; both evoke the kind of passionate, heated, needy feelings that create more problems than they solve.

  Sure, love has the potential to make you very happy, as it does when you’re in love, or being loved back, or getting a lucky chance to combine love and sex. That’s why it can also distract you with new worries and generate lots of yearning, unhappiness, and anger whenever something gets in its way.

  Love can also push you to do things that aren’t good for you and are bound to turn out badly or make you act like a wuss, a schmuck, or both. It can cause you to forget your values and ignore realities about character, bad habits, and feelings you can’t change. That’s why love can be one of the ultimate obstacles to being a good person and finding lasting relationships.

  Again and again, you have to face the fact that someone you love can’t love you back, or you can’t find someone to love when that’s what you want and need. Failed love almost always feels like a personal failure, so if you’re a good person who hasn’t found someone or can’t turn a loving attraction into a good partnership, you’re probably ready to ask a magazine, psychic, or even a shrink what you’ve done wrong.

  Almost always, your lack of love isn’t because of anything you’ve done wrong. Life is unfair and the world around you stirs up intense needs while offering false satisfactions. If you’re extra careful and selective about loving and being loved, you’ll probably find yourself spending more time feeling lonely.

  On the other hand, if you realize that love is a risky business and can accept pain, frustration, and hard lessons as unavoidable, you can survive and learn from your losses. You need never feel ashamed of wounds acquired for a good cause, and often your wounds will ultimately help you find loving relationships that are consistent with your values and are likely to last.

  Remember, the true opposite of love isn’t hate; it’s indifference. If you care enough to find someone who’s right for you, not someone who makes you feel right, you’ll truly find what you need.

  Finding Someone

  Most creatures choose a mate based on two factors: the ability to procreate and the possession of a pulse. Humans are obviously a lot more complicated; we screw up by putting too much weight on appearance and spark.

  In fact, if you value attractiveness when looking for a good partner, you’ll go on too many dates for the wrong reasons. If you’re not good at screening out the beauty- and lust-struck, you’ll end up wasting a lot of time. Sure, you’ll have hot dates and passionate encounters, but you’ll be distracted from looking for the qualities that make a good partner.

  Couples bound by mutual chemistry can be blind to the fact that the relationship lacks qualities necessary for a partnership and enables red-flag behaviors that no partnership can survive. So attractiveness and chemistry may be good for generating hot affairs and cool couples, but they’re also good for driving up
the divorce rate.

  If you’re looking for a partner, look beyond attraction, figure out what qualities of character and personality you require, and be ready to ignore strong attraction if those qualities aren’t there. No matter how hot the package or interpersonal sizzle, remember what you’ve learned about what spoils a relationship, no matter how much you are tempted.

  Since you’ve probably read a landfill’s worth of magazine articles on how to be more attractive or get the other person to like you more, and they haven’t improved your own garbagey love life, it’s time for a new strategy.

  Learn how to define what you’re looking for, focus your appeal in a way that shows your strengths, and conduct an efficient search for a partner who won’t wear you out or waste your time. If you want bliss and romance, this strategy won’t work. If you want a partnership that’s as solid as a swan’s and won’t end in divorce, we can help.

  Here are assets you’d like to have before you start dating, but don’t:

  • A body that Photoshop couldn’t touch

  • Access to a bar that does not admit men who watch porn on their cell phones in public, women named Amber, and anyone with an orange spray tan

  • The confidence you once felt (briefly) when you fixed that hot girl’s phone after she started to cry

  • A procedure that takes the shame away from flirting and transfers it to your unnecessary insecurities

  Among the wishes people express are:

  • To get better at putting themselves out there

  • To find “the one,” not the next