F*ck Feelings Read online

  Peacemaking a long-standing conflict also tends to devalue old grievances that some people feel are worth endless sacrifice, so if they think you’re succeeding, they’ll go out of their way to make those old arguments seem fresh again with timely discoveries, new evidence, restraining orders, or even another round of violence.

  In the end, the one thing on which warring parties may come to agree is that they both hate you. Of course, as long as you’re not too sensitive, and survive, you may regard this as a mission accomplished.

  So don’t try to broker peace because you’re good-hearted and want to help people just get along. Before stepping into the combat zone, get your peacemaking urges under control and learn the techniques you need to know before deciding which conflicts are worth peacemaking and which ones you should stay away from.

  Learn how to keep responsibility where it belongs, which is never, ever in your vicinity, and if the conflict resembles a pool of quicksand, learn how to make a nice fresh mozzarella instead.

  Here are some peacemaking powers you’d like but (probably) lack:

  • A calming, charismatic presence that makes everyone eager to win your approval when you ask them to “do it for me”

  • A strong empathy for grievances that relieves combatants of the need for any other satisfaction, so you can feel the pain right out of them

  • An ability to interest angry opponents in the mutual advantages of peace, despite their shared interest in pummeling each other

  • Arm strength sufficient to knock heads together

  Among the wishes people express are:

  • To protect combatants and their family members from the pain of their conflict

  • To end rifts that divide and weaken groups and families, so they can function more effectively

  • To solve a problem they feel responsible for but can’t see their way out of without help

  • To get groups to sit down and find an answer to their dispute, no matter how difficult

  Here are three examples:

  Unlike most kids, I was thrilled when my parents got divorced, because living in a house with the two of them constantly fighting was pure hell. Since their miraculously peaceful divorce, I’ve enjoyed my time with each of them, because separately, they’re very nice and loving people. To this day, however, they still can’t be within a hundred feet of each other without a battle, which means I have the impossible task of trying to equally divvy up any holidays, events, birthdays, etc., that involve their grandkids. Both insist that they’re getting the short end of the stick and I’m favoring the other parent, but neither will even consider just shutting the fuck up and putting up with each other at the same event for the sake of my kids. Maybe I should ask them to get couples therapy? My goal is to get them to sit down, make peace, and put aside their anger so they can enjoy family events without being excluded.

  I’ve got two smart people working for me who do a great job, but they’re always snapping at each other. They’ve got personality styles that just don’t mesh, so each one thinks the other’s questions and requests are stupid or exploitative, and then they complain to me. I’ve asked HR for help, but mediation didn’t work. I like to have an open-door management style, but each of them takes advantage of every opportunity to give me an earful about everything the other guy is doing wrong. My goal is to get them to be happy members of my team.

  My best friend is nasty and overbearing with her teenage son and I can’t get her to see it. She sees him as a disrespectful liar because he often doesn’t do his homework when he tells her he has, but I see him as a nice, bright kid with some ADD who lies because he’s afraid of her reaction. If I suggest she’s overdoing her criticism, she tells me it’s none of my business and I’m trying to undermine her as a parent. My goal is to help her avoid making obvious mistakes and traumatizing her son and ruining their relationship.

  After giving careful thought to the risks of peacemaking in general (and paying homage to the prematurely deceased blue-helmeted peacekeepers who have gone before you), define goals for your warring parties that are entirely positive, professional, and designed to enhance the happiness and well-being of both sides.

  At the same time as you define these goals, be extremely careful not to make yourself a shared target, which is what happens if you screw up and make yourself responsible for easing the terrible, unfair wrongdoing they blame on each other.

  Ask each combatant to assess, with your input, whether the cost of conflict outweighs its advantages, taking into account the impact of long-term penalties, retaliation, and unintended consequences. Yes, expressing anger feels more satisfying, sends a tough message to your enemy, and may eventually bring about desired change. But urge people to get real, remember what has actually happened, and anticipate the bad things that will keep happening. Then offer them your help in making peace if and when they decide it’s in their best interest.

  While it doesn’t fit with the positive spirit of your mission, don’t exclude the possibility of imposing self-protective limits and penalties if fighting continues; if the United States can impose sanctions on Iran, you can impose sanctions on grandparental visitation and worker performance ratings. That way, you send a clear message that you’re sorry they’re unhappy and you’re willing to penalize their bad behavior if they can’t just suck it up already.

  Be clear, however, that whatever limits and penalties you impose are an unfortunate necessity, and are not meant to express criticism, superior power, or pressure to change. Should the conflict come to a resolution, with grandparents and employees who find the strength to keep their feelings to themselves, you will be delighted that sanctions can be lifted.

  If one party is clearly more aggressive, don’t protect the underdog (see previous section), because it will negatively impact the peace process. Instead, point out to the oppressor the many ways that attacking a perceived underdog can backfire, including passive resistance and counterattacks by others who also feel threatened. For example, instead of questioning whether the critical mother in the above case loves and supports her underperforming son, express concern that her vehement way of expressing herself may lead to a stalemate with him and possibly the school. If she comes to agree, you have suggestions.

  Spell out methods for reducing hostilities without asking people to give up grievances; you’re not asking them to stop hating or mistrusting one another, simply to stop expressing their feelings verbally or in the form of offensive actions. Spell out the behaviors that will allow them to escape penalties, whether imposed by you or others. If they comply, they’re not abandoning their cause, just determining that it is not advanced by conflict.

  Don’t expand your responsibilities beyond your stated offer, regardless of how fervently you wish for peace, because it doesn’t help to take sides (or appear to be doing so) and it’s exhausting to listen to complaints. You’ve done your job by offering objective thoughts about the cost of conflict and making it easy to reduce hostilities. To do more is likely to cause harm.

  Don’t blame yourself or others if you get nowhere; good ideas sometimes take time to sink in, and some people may have reasons for fighting that you can’t understand. Don’t expect to make peace happen, but respect yourself for doing what you can to give it a chance, and trying to do better than the troops that came before.

  Quick Diagnosis

  Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:

  • An ability to ease grievances

  • Power to enforce a just solution or stop bad behavior

  • An ability to reason with people so they’ll do what’s good for them

  • Enough patience to not be upset and annoyed by other people’s feuds

  Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:

  • Keep your own negative feelings from adding to hostilities

  • Find reasons that peace would be less costly than war

  • Add to those reasons with your own sanctions and limits, if it’s
in your power

  • Don’t take responsibility for the grievances or hostilities of others

  • Take care to protect yourself

  Here’s how you can do it:

  • Talk politely, regardless of how you really feel

  • Stay positive and concerned, but not enough to listen to complaints

  • Sell the specifics of peace, including the painful, tough penalties you and others won’t have to inflict

  • If people don’t want peace, stay out of the way of bullets

  • As usual, respect your efforts, not your results

  Your Script

  Here’s what to say when you wish to broker peace between parties in conflict.

  Dear [Self/Repeatedly Wronged/Unfairly Traumatized/Folks Who Hate Each Other],

  I’d like to help you feel better, but experience has taught me that listening [doesn’t help you for more than five minutes/gives me a headache that lasts an hour/is for music, not opinions], and besides, it’s more important that you stop [trash-talking/cold-shouldering/rumormongering/Facebook-flaming]. I’ve put together a [proposal/PowerPoint presentation/one-page memo] detailing the pros and cons of peace and where you can reach me if peace is what you want. Otherwise, don’t call, and know that I continue to wish you well.

  Raising the Downtrodden

  No matter how much sacrifice charity requires, be it of personal needs, finances, or just hygiene, there’s usually enough pleasure involved in giving to blur the lines between selfishness and selflessness.

  Even when people sacrifice their health and well-being, those who literally give until it hurts find that the pain is its own kind of reward; humans have a long history of using pain to purge guilt, from self-whipping medieval monks to self-harming modern teens.

  So while most people are content to be rewarded for their good deeds with thanks, warm feelings, and/or the occasional tote bag, others find that if getting sick while tending to the sick cures the shame they feel for being born healthy, then they’ll take tetanus over a tote bag any day.

  Unbridled giving may feel good, but good people need to make tough, less-satisfying decisions about giving that take into account their own needs, resources, other obligations, and the risk of doing harm with their gifts. Good giving is equally selfish and selfless, and is measured not by sacrifice or the pleasure it brings but the objective effectiveness of your gift.

  That’s why, when it comes to giving, you need to put together a plan that reflects your values, including those that unavoidably compete with one another because your resources are limited. This doesn’t mean it’s not good to give to the downtrodden, but it may be bad if giving compromises your safety, diverts resources away from those who could benefit more, or sacrifices the welfare of people for whom you have more immediate responsibility.

  Fortunately, if you can put aside the great buzz that comes from helping the truly wretched and examine the particulars of each case, you’ll see that the risks of giving are not infinite and can be assessed and managed. Ultimately, it’s not the amount you give, or the amount of pleasure you get out of it, but the amount of care you put into giving that matters.

  Here are powers that you’d like but (probably) lack:

  • A major fuckin’ Gates/Buffett bankroll

  • An invulnerable immune system (and colon)

  • A genius for doing simultaneous child care and world saving

  • Magic hindsight to assure you that the gratitude and admiration people feel for your efforts is not undermining their respect for their own culture or fueling a backlash of envy and destruction

  Among the wishes people express are:

  • To dedicate their lives to something worthwhile

  • To help people who need it the most

  • To help life’s worst rejects

  • To avoid the meaninglessness of a life of self-indulgence

  Here are three examples:

  As a Christian, I make charity and volunteer work a huge part of my life; helping people who are poor, mentally ill, and neglected by society isn’t just God’s work, but work I can feel good about. Recently, though, my faith received a blow when I decided to hire one of the regulars at the church soup kitchen to do a painting job in my house. He’s always been friendly, if a little off, but after he left, I found the door to my locked closet had been forced open and some of my wife’s jewels were gone. There’s a part of me that wants to show him love by forgiving him, hoping that will restore his faith in mankind, and there’s a part of me that agrees with my wife, that this guy just takes things and I should call the police. My goal is to do good for people who really need it, without losing the jewelry that represents my love for my wife.

  There’s nothing about animals I don’t like—they’re much nicer and more loving than people—so I regularly foster animals for the local no-kill shelter, and I’m always willing to take in and adopt strays or abused pets. My friends have started to complain that they can’t come over because dogs and cats have taken over the furniture, and neighbors have complained to the authorities that they can’t stand the smell, but I think they’re all overreacting because I have multiple cats and a couple of my dogs are pit bulls. My goal is to be helpful and heal the damage caused by human cruelty.

  I feel selfish living in a rich country with my middle-class comforts and all the luxuries I could ever want, so it’s always been meaningful for me to spend a couple weeks every year doing something helpful in developing countries. I had such a good time the last time I did it, I began thinking of making it a full-time job by finding an NGO I could work with. My boyfriend points out that such a move wouldn’t help our relationship (he’s happy with his job and thinks giving a bit to charity is enough) or my retirement. My goal is to figure out a way to do something good and important in this world without losing what’s important in my life.

  The great Boston philanthropist Daniel Rothenberg famously judged the effectiveness of charitable organizations by interviewing their janitors, reasoning that janitors, as the canaries in the coal mine of a business, best reflect an organization’s ability to enact its values and keep its priorities straight. In other words, shit flows downhill, so if the guys who clean up shit feel fairly treated, then the organization probably knows how to do its work.

  Ask yourself what you owe yourself and those who depend on you, including safety, before you pal around with the terribly infectious and potentially dangerous. Otherwise, if you give for sentimental reasons and without considering those issues, you can expose you and yours to danger with little chance of benefit, leaving your metaphorical janitors up shit creek.

  Before assuming that you’re not giving enough in life, figure out how many you can afford to help in a way that’s bound to be beneficial. If you give to all comers, whether they be people or pets, without first measuring your resources, the only true benefactor will be you, as you’ll inherit a shit storm from everyone around you.

  Before becoming a full-time giver, also rate the value of your relationships, since you’ll have to take time from them to dedicate your energies to your new, full-time cause. Most close relationships require a certain level of involvement and attendance, and if you’re off on a giving crusade, your relationships may fall apart as well.

  The due diligence list for checking out uplifting opportunities isn’t endless or complicated, but it does make it hard to maintain your enthusiasm and virtuous feelings if it leads you to discover that many programs don’t measure up or will cost you too much. When it comes to giving, it pays to give a shit about the details.

  Being a good person doesn’t mean you have to be charitable as an occupation or lifestyle. Being a good person means doing right by friends and family and working hard and honestly to support yourself. If you can keep those standards in mind while also trying to do good in the larger world, you’ll come up with rules for giving that allow you to do some beneficial things without becoming a jerk to those who know you, or even those who do yo
ur shit work.

  Quick Diagnosis

  Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:

  • Enough resources to prevent a deserving group from being deprived of benefits you happened to give another group

  • Advance assurance that people won’t misuse what you’ve given them

  • Confidence that giving to people from a much less-affluent culture won’t cause envy or otherwise hurt that culture

  • Assurance that you won’t give or receive undesirable new bacteria

  Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:

  • Prevent harmful or ineffective giving by doing a thorough assessment

  • Avoid repeating previous, unsuccessful attempts to help

  • Make a huge difference to a large number of people

  • Learn how to maximize your impact without wasting resources

  • Minimize harm and unintended consequences

  Here’s how you can do it:

  • Decide what’s needed most

  • Identify those who don’t have it and can’t get it

  • Define an amount that’s necessary and enough, rather than what’s best

  • Maximize the number who get it

  • Measure the bang per buck

  • Look for unintended harm

  Your Script

  Here’s what to say when you or a loved one wishes to donate services to reduce human misery.

  Dear [Self/Spouse/Desperate Beggar/Huddled Masses Yearning to Breathe Free],

  I am willing to sacrifice [lots of time/money/my DVD collection] to making the world a better place, but I won’t be satisfied by intense gratitude from a small group of people who maybe [didn’t need my or your help in the first place/deserve help but offer repayment in the form of rare amoebae/weren’t worth losing a marriage or bank account or foot over]. I will take time to assess need and will not be distracted by [loud begging/sob stories/disheveled appearances]. I will learn how to ration resources, assess impact, and take pride in providing what’s necessary and otherwise unavailable to the greatest number for the least negative impact.